Nothing changes if, nothing changes.. 

I wrote that exact quote in a journal I found from when I was 14!  Why should this shock me?  I’ve been since around then or a tad earlier,  contemplating change, peace, and happiness.. I remember feeling so unworthy, so in like my family, so forced into life events and activities and already knowing “I was different”…   I did not fit the mold.. Or what my parents had written in the LexFamily law books… 

My parents ran a business in a small remote community and my Dad was the Lay of the Law.. We must act, dress and be a certain way in public so people respect us (Him and his big Ego) and not act like “trash”… Well I have been called that and other lovely nick names in the years to come, but I can to this day remembering feeling like, “why can’t I just be me? ”

Now I am a parent and tell the littles to be on they’re best LexFamily behavior, be polite and respectful and don’t ever be afraid to be you..  And no matter what your sisters and mom and dad always got your back.. I tell them that we are a team..

Going back to LittleLex, I was pressured to not be me.. 

Me who:

*Liked and hung out with the “less fortunate” crowd.. The bad boys and girls that actually some have been dear friends since.. 

*Was/Is Out spoken. Or maybe filterless, or just says what comes to mind before thinking. 

*My own unique and out there style.. Family wanted to have a kakhi and polo facade… I preferred flannels, black cherry lipstick and combat boots..  I’m unsure why it bothered them so much, how can style make a person “bad”.. P.s. Miss the 90s terribly.. 

*uninterested and awful at school, I believe now it is def A.D.D. Completely misdiagnosed as a youngster. They just thought I was defiant, and naughty and using booze or drugs to “Hurt my Folks)

*had a passion since a small child to be in the hair business ” my parents actually said that “cosmetology is a rediculous career choice and you’ll never make it or money”.  (I later proved them wrong)

*wanted to stray the family unit and ended up being a sneaky lying teenager with anger and alcohol/pot problems..

Black sheep. Moon Unit. Trailer trashy. 

Ugh. Anyway back on track… All of who I thought I was was shunned and I just wanted to find peace within myself.. Like who am I really?  I feel this, they say no.. That poor 14 year old girl with the weight on her shoulders to “Change” herself..  Since then it has been burned into my unicorn brain to constantly try to make myself better, push to find the real me..

 “Nothing changes if Nothing changes”  it is an ironic saying.. I hear it in the rooms of AA, all over recovery blogs and books.. I actually heard it at a professional conference like 2 weeks ago.. And than I was moving a box and this journal popped out..

I ramble and will probably not reread this for a bit so if anyone reads this I hope it makes some sense..  I guess, now as I sit here on day 6 or whatever with counting, just here today contemplating this old aged quote of the ages.. It cannot ring any truer for me, but now I see it is not ME who I should be fighting so hard to change… I need to stop resisting just being me.. The changes are all Everything=Everything like.. No Lex do not change you change actions.. 



5 thoughts on “Nothing changes if, nothing changes.. 

  1. Similar story over here. Total black sheep of the family. Still outspoken, still odd, still quirky. Never feeling like I fit in or it is okay to be me. Now I have chosen a career that I feel the same exact way in–I need to change to fit in. But I don’t want to fit in, I want to be me. But no one seems to LIKE me. The struggle is real, my friend! I think you are great just the way you are. 💜

  2. I miss the 90s too! Just today I pulled out my journal from 1993 (when I was in college) looking for my teenaged angst “poetry” for an upcoming blogging challenge. I have such fond memories of that angst, and of my flannel shirt, 501s and chunky boots. 🙂
    From Little Phoenix to Little Lex: Hello! 🙂 Let’s hang out, we’re the same, unicorn brains and all. Hugs. 🙂

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