Love on that future. 



Some ruminating thoughts…   I’m working tirelessly on my sobriety from my vices… Changed just about everything in my life.. Stuck it out and worked hard for a 3 plus children, chronically codependent, alcoholic, addicted chronically ill relationship….  Here’s the thing… I have been lied to on many occasions.. And a couple handfuls of Shit Bombs that entail really dark lies..  I have sacrificed and cared for, picked up after, and begged for his attention… Today I woke after a dream and was triggered, and thoughts of my relationship came flooding back.. Honestly, I’ve put anything as far as attention on my marriage since I started my sobriety path on October 7th.. And post Oct.7, things were really bad. He, so sick he could barely work, get out of bed, walk to the kitchen..  On top of this and his nightly imbibing to toxic, drunken levels. I was in the darkest part of my addiction.. 

He also gave up drinking…  Now, I feel like I’ve changed so much… He as well… I started liking me.. Speaking my truth..  I am a ball of confusion.. I will do what’s right here in front of me.. Stand taller knowing I’m going to be okay if I do toTrudge.. 

happiness is in the eye of the beholder.. or something like that..

Xo

Lex

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14 thoughts on “Love on that future. 

  1. Wishing you courage. And calmness. Step at a time..in all things, I guess.

    Lies – not that big, but horribly hurtful, fucked up the last years of my marriage (and soiled the memories of what had been some really good times). I always think of the hemingway line (in the movie, don’t even know if he actually wrote it): ‘Don’t we pay for the things we do, though?’

  2. They never said it would be easier, it will be better- If I may recommend- The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron, her guidance has helped my recovery immensely. even w/ 18+ years

  3. I know all that shit trust me, you know what I have done as a matter of one hour ago… I just broke into a liquor store, and then I’m this stupid that thinking it was you I was commenting, in my defense I do comment back to quite a lot of people so is easy to loose track, so I broke into it and stole…again. I had been sober for 7 days and today I spend the whole day walking and canvassing certain places, I even know of the three supermarkets in town wich cachier is gonna be in place at a certain date ceratain hour, for the most part that is.
    And I was doing….not good really, I was out of my mind, sitting in my room, reading, by the way I read the Anne Frank book quite amazing, but the cravings still came and after I slept after eating, that is a lie, I don’t eat because of the anxiety, I just went and walked around town just looking seeing what is cooking, so I found the place.
    Not proud of it obviously, but the cravings where too much for me, I will end up again in jail, that is for sure.
    But at least, I do know what I want to do, is to write, not being a drunk, just write write and write. Hopefully with time, although to be realistic I am 34 and the time of petty theft I leave it to the rest of the idiots around town wich is quite a bunch really, so I go out on my own and do what I have to do in my own mind knowing is bad.
    Tell the police, I don’t care anymore.Fuck me, now I’m getting drunk and seeing some history documentary.
    And that is sad.

    • Charly.. I can see your so tough yet hurting. I hope for you that channeling it all with your words and wit will get you where you need.. I could hug you and tell you it’s all ok and your not a duck up your sick.. But you have to find it from within.. And my dear, you have had the power all along..
      Love,
      Me

      • I know what is a tough one, the other day I didn’t even want to get out of bed, nor th blog, let alone go and find a job, plus I couldn’t sleep and the only comfort for me was a book. I felt really down, and I by 11 30 a.m I did say to myself, you better get it on get up and lets go. And I did it.
        Hard as hell all those wasted hours in bed reading, although reading keeps me in my own little world without any real problems but I did realize I had to move and do something.
        Like just taking a shower, razor in the face, get all cute as you, wash the dirty clothes, go out for a run…. or semi run I should better say and then really start reading and taking notes and writing “good” instead of my crazy posts in this blog, and latter went to the supermarket to see if they were hiring, and strangely enough they were actually down loading the people, that is not the correct phrase in English I know, point being here in Spain things are so rough, we have over 20 plus percent unemployment. So I did go to the supermarket knowing there was nothing, but I went, I moved my ass out the house, talked to the guys over there had some jokes, specially on me by the way but that didn’t matter, although I can also give them back, so point being….forgot,
        So you got it that’s the point.
        Just fucking move. At least it worked for me, today I’m good, tomorrow too since I hopefully have a “date”with my mother to go eat someplace.
        And I did meet a girl today, tell you the truth I am a bit of a flirty pirty party, but when I’m low I could care less of those people.
        And guess what brought me up out of bed and to reality? Thinking of the people I love and thinking of the people I can love in the future
        Forgot, laughter. I’m always pulling the leg of somebody or just really fucking around, laughter is a great motivator in my case that is.

      • Laughter is the best medicine.. I force myself daily to get up dress up and show up.. I went to an early morning AA meeting with friendly faces and laughs there (I know weird right? A whole bunch of sober drunks laughing and being happy?) Than went for coffee with some girlfriends and did laundry (3 little girls is like doing laundry for 97 people) cleaned my house sat in the sun a moment and than off to lunch with a lovely sober friend… Oh, and I actually hit anger meeting this afternoon before the bus delivered my darlings… I am feeling so much better now.. I am glad you are as well.. xo

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