100 day reflections 


Reflecting on my experience. 
So here’s the thing. I made it. Fair and square. No nuts no butts no coconuts. This time I’ve actually done this surrender thing and I’ve found that AA and any means possible are what got me to this day, and I only have today. I’ve been fighting a douchey monster since I can remember and the funny thing about it is it was me hating myself the whole fucking time.. I started out as a young girl trying to find normalcy in a world that was perfectly layer before me. A world that had to be just so or you were not OK.. My first drunk gave me such relief from that. I was 14 or 15 and I could talk to boys and be a fun loud confident girl with no regards for self respect or acting like a jerk.. I spent many years trying to replicate that moment. Many years I disappointed myself and others over and over. Yearning to feel ok in my skin, desperate for som sort of peace and confidence.. Nothing worked. Booze, boys, drugs, helping everyone with their shit, giving my soul away left and right.. Nothing worked, so I kept on.. Moving, twirling in speeds unhuman. I never stopped to sit in quiet. 

Pressing on thru my early 20s I could finally work, make money, go to bars, search for someone or something to love me.. I was desperate. Outside and in. I made horrific choices and most of which were in a black out white girl wasted fashion.. Again not stoping once to think it was me I was searching for.. I met this man at age 24 he was older, had life experience and was a father, told me everything I needed to hear.. I was hooked once again. His closeted skeletons meant nothing to me because I thought that sex and attention (good or bad) and false words and spending years and years trying to fix him would eventually fix me. I was broken.. I am unsure if I ever felt whole.. I gave him my all mixed in with Yeager Bombs and my body.. I got pregnant after 4 years of that selfish self hatred behavior.

My daughter, a wedding, a house.. This I figured was finally the answer to all of the nightmares.. She would now save me.. And two more stunning daughters to quickly follow I knew they would absolutely save me from myself.. I was dead wrong..

No matter who I gave my life and soul to I was still there.. And with that came a dark and twisty step up from party girl out drinking all the boys.. I would grab for wine now.. Not just a glass or so every now and then, that my love was not enough.. Bottles.. I would strive for out side perfection, continue to work tirelessly on fixing my alcoholic lying husband and after tucking in my small daughters I’d blot out the days with deathly amounts of booze… I was slowly but surely dying and decided I’d either wake one day and be saved or never wake up and everyone else would be saved..

3 years or so I found you. I started searching the sober cyber world.. Collected self help books. Fed my face and became a tired, overweight, shell of a woman. I couldn’t keep up with the outside so I gave up inside. I tried therapy, a quick stint in treatment, AA, lying, drinking more, smoking weed to stop the drinking until I fell dead in my tracks.. My husband who I’d been trying so hard to fix fell gravely ill and I had to give up on myself even more so, if that is possible. I put all my time and energy in his doctors, my daughters and at night I’d cry myself to sleep really hoping to not awake.. I soon found relief from his pain medications. Again not just one or two here and there, handfuls. I’d lie and do things that I had no clue I was capable of.. I’d steal hundreds of pills and blame it on some sort of home invasion.. I’d loose 100 pounds because I could no longer swallow due to stress and self hatred.. I would die ever so much more on a daily basis and learn to hate him and myself with each breath.. 

I was ready to give up. Just run away from my beautiful dear daughters and like my 13 year old self find a new place to go where no one knew me and start over.. 

September of 2016 was my worst. I told on myself not giving a fuck who I hurt or if I’d stop.. I ignored all signs of physical detox and suck in ounces of weed and handfuls of pills by day and bottle after bottle of wine at night.. I needed a way out.. 

I woke up one day deciding I would do all the pills and pot I’d had with a few drinks and a whole bottle of cold medicine. It is a blur that three days or so. I’m not going to live in that shame and guilt, but shit it was horrific… Somehow I called a detox hospital and begged my husband to help me and no longer support my addiction and needed up in a 10 day detox. As horrible as it was I knew I could no longer go back to the me that was. I now knew what surrender was. I begged for help because my addiction was trying so desperately to kill me.. My brain and body had changed, my soul was empty and either I listened to what everyone told me or it was all over.. I decided I must take extreme measures and leave my children and job and what was left of my world, and go to inpatient treatment, rehab. It would be the turning point in finding me. That peace I so desperately wrote about in journal after journal as a 10, 11, 12 year old girl? It was simply being given the gift to love myself. No guilt or selfishness about it, simply self love..

Who the fuck knew! Sounded simple, but my dear it was and is work. I returned home after 7 weeks and was like a foreign child trying to survive in a new, big, bright, beautiful scary world. I knew I wasn’t alone but felt so fucking alone. I relapsed. I convinced myself because it was not a drink or opiate I was still on my path. I quit my job and put my whole body time and energy into AA and recovery, wrapped up in my lie. 

I hit another deep dark twisty depression and wanted to give up once more, but somehow found it in myself to yell from the rooftops I NEED HELP I CANNOT DO YHIS MY WAY OR I WILL DIE! That was 100 days ago. I gave up and quit feeding the bad wolf. I started loving and nurturing the good one who wanted to live and breathe and sho my daughters what a brave warrior can do… 

I cannot fix anyone or anything. I cannot love anyone or anything unless I start with me.

I know that boasting or outing myself is only harmful because I only have this very moment, this day.. But putting my sobriety before all that I love insures me that today I can be the best version of me, the best mommy I can be… 

xo 

Lex

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “100 day reflections 

  1. Wow, your writing is so raw and so honest. You’re here and you’re fabulous. Self love is so goddamn hard for some of us and I just don’t know why. Keep writing, keep going – one day at a time. Love and hugs to you. S x

  2. I used to want to save the world, and then I realized that saving myself was the only way to do that. I’m so happy for you, and yes, it’s a long, hard road, but it does get better…with each and every day sober, it does get better. It’s not this awesome better, but it’s a calm, a certainty that your darkest days are behind you, a firmer grasp on what is important–you–and a deeper commitment to saving yourself first and foremost, above all. YOU ROCK, and you deserve to feel loved, and be free. Hugs!

    • Namaste my dear DDG. You may not know this, but years ago you were the first sober bloggy thing I hung on to.. I’m here now and changing the world is small potatoes compared to the feat of sobriety.
      Blessings Sister..
      Xo

  3. Well done on 100 days. All of the drugs are linked and you’ve seen that now. Recovery comes before anything else. I used to think that sounded excessive and obsessive but now I know that it has to. One day at a time, make sure you look after your own mental health because you cant pour from an empty cup. xxx

  4. Amen!!! I love this SO much and you are absolutely worth every single day of sobriety. The darkest days I’ve EVER experienced were because of drugs and alcohol and STUPID decisions. I will never give up my sobriety for that hell that I called home for so long!! Stay strong and know that we are one of the ones who have made it out alive and that is a blessing within itself!! Xoxoxoxo

  5. Holy shit, you did get out of the sistem a lot of things. Which is good, isn’ t it good to write? I think so, for me is kind of a therapy.
    Two things I wanted to say, one is that look at you, yo hot woman!
    Second, I’m glad you’re sober.
    Then is 3 things, you said about having babies would make your life full, paraphrasing here but basically is what you said. I was with a gril, a bit unstable to say the least, yet again I’m nobody to judge. Well she wanted me to ger her pregnant because of what you said, she still thinks that having a babie or babies will fullfill her self, and you later on said what I was going to say, that you did not care at that time about the kids, and the same is for this other woman that want to have my babie….. well me or the others who knows she is a bit of a ….. she likes to fuck every guy basically, so when you said that about you about having the babies and that would make you more stable, I was thinking…..holy manoly! Is the same with this girl. You did realize I didn’t insult her, cause she is crazy mazy.
    Another thing, yo a hot woma! Beautiful eyes, and the face also.
    And in my opinion you are somebody to look up to. In my case obviously.
    love ya

    • Hi sweetheart.
      Yes I did get it all out of my system didn’t I?
      Now on to bigger and better things..
      Being a mother now is just a part of who I am.. Does not define me, neither does being an alcoholic/addict who cannot under any circumstances put a substance in my body due to the damage it will only cause..
      As far as writing goes it’s always been a therapeutic release for me.. I am not sure I’m any good at it, and my grammar and spelling kind of suck, but I do like it..
      also thank you for the kind compliment..
      I feel better now than I have in all my 39 years..
      Love and light..
      Xo
      Lex

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s