My 90 year old grandmother passed away two weeks ago. I was able to drop everything and rush to her house to see her in her bed before the funeral home came for her. She was smiling, and in the same room her mother gave birth to her just 90 years before.. My daughters got to experience a part of life that brings sadness in grace and my full presence.. I was able to write and read a eulogy for her at the same Russian Orthodox Church she was married, And my daughter and I was baptized in. I gave hugs and comfort to my family of origin. I got thru 5 days of said family drinking and alcoholic grieving and dysfunction with my program in tact keeping close to my toolbox and sober friends as needed.. I set and kept boundaries. I even in there gave a sober interview over the phone about my experience, strength and hope.. And even took my girls to their first ever concert sitting in the front row enjoying each moment..
It was exhausting. I needed a whole extra week to recover and use extreme self care and rest to push thru each 24. A year ago if this were me I’d be a complete and utter disaster. High for all of the funeral and drunk with the rest. I would have kept my girls at bay hiding behind my bullshit and booze and forgetting that death is a part of life and it’s ok to cry. I’m so fucking glad I don’t have to live like that anymore. I’m grateful for sobriety. Though too bright and lout at times, messy and ugly just to be me.. A blessing..
in the mean time I have gotten this adorable chippy to come eat peanuts from my hand and get to share my morning coffee and meditation with him..
Life is ok today.
Not perfect, but I know the light shines thru after the dark and I’ll give it another 24 to see where it may take me..