Growing up whenever I’d accomplish something positive or do something to help others, my dad would remind me I had thousands more to go before I’d get thru the pearly gates of heaven. He’d say “Lex, that’s 9,468 more good deeds before you get to go see God.”, Or some random number. What a thing to say to a 15 year old girl who would spend 20 more years trying to please and help others desperately in order to feel some sort of self worth… But alas, he continued throughout time to remind me I was on the cusp of the underworld and my shitty behavior outweighed the good..
I actually believed it for many many years. That is all the while knowing deep down inside I was actually a decent person filled with love and light. I just was lost..
Today I get to sit with myself, 141 days into a clear headed recovery journey knowing I’ve had the LIGHT all along.. I don’t have to hear outside noise and opinions in order to feel worthy.. I get to work a program of recovery and share with likeminded people my experience and not feel judged or less than. I get to work with a sponsor and dump out all my old ideals and with loving acceptance know in my hear the past does not define me. I get to go to therapy and work on myself without guilt over putting me on top of the “Good Deed List” and know the difference between feelings and reality.. I get to be the REAL me, not constantly begging the universe to help me find a NEW ME..
As I trudge through life on life’s terms, and reveal life’s reality, I have a visualization that pops in my mind.. A confirmation stamp being placed on my heart and spirit. It tells me that what I have been feeling was true all along.. When I want to say no, I get to say NO. When I realize that something or someone has been wrong all along, I don’t fight it and stash it in the shit to deal with later. My guts tell me the truth, and I get to revel in it.
For years I knew deep in my heart things were not ok with me, but I continued to let others use me or hurt me without saying a word.. I would go along with the crowd as to not rock the boat even though I knew it was not right or good for me.. Today with sober eyes I see it’s not worth my serenity.
Fuck the Good Deed List, Dad. I’m actually doing great on my own and do not need to constantly give away my spirit in-order to get confirmation that I’m ok or going to heaven. Deep in my guts doing the right thing, wether outwardly or internally I’m going to be ok..