So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises… Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less… She didn’t know any better …
You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant. Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..
I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn. You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..
Lovely I love you
Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t… I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will.. It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone.. I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..
Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy .. I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
I am not special. But I do deserve straight up sober happiness.. I deserve to take care of me, love me.. I do not need to loose myself any longer.. Not for other humans nor for the booze …
I had convinced myself that I cannot get thru this family crisis bullshit drinking wine.. Wine makes me nuts.. Booze also makes me weird and sad and scary and straight up a shell of a person.. So I drank vodka.. So,desperate and sad and alone and not any more special or sad or tragic than anyone else..
I need to shut the fuck up and get thru tomo again without drinking.
Today my last day one.. My bottom is feeling like if I don’t stop the cycle the days sober And then a night black out weirdo alone in the dark drinking it’s going to get worse and more frequent..
Do,you believe this is a disease that wants us dead?
Or am I just drinking to die or feel dead?
With all I have to live for I choose life..
I’m terrified somehow..
So the fog is slowly lifting and the feelings come a rushin back in.. For this alone I should never drink again, but somehow I’m forgetful when I slip back into the dark side.. Feelings that I have-numbed out on and off for many many years.. Now, what I don’t get is how easily I forget.. (My disease)
Right now I’m faced with a shit ton of feelings but today I struggle with guilt.. How fucking full of shit is that? This is something that was passed on to me by my dear Mother.. More like my parents were real good at making me feel guilty for being “me” and here I am 20 years later tortureing myself with it.. Yes, I drank to stop feelings.. Now I’m getting sober to feel better and just like that the wave of yuckiness washes right over me..
I only have control over myself so, to feel guilty for past shit, or the “I should be doing mores” Is actually something I have to trust and love myself enough so I can build this sober life I so longingly want.. I’m a slow SLOW learner.. Like I’ve Had The Magic Inside All Along kind of learning..
I’m going to love myself enough to not drink today and tell Guilt to fuck off.. I’m going to wake up (groundhogs day like) in the morning and tell me to be proud of me for doing hard shit..
Early morning coffee in the dark… I can’t help but be reminded how I feel on day 3.. I’m putting it out there on paper so to speak to perchance remove it from my brain.. Insomnia.. My body was so tired but I was constantly awakened by my brain…
A Day 3 early morning rant/crazy removal..
“Over thinking, overwhelming… My house is cra overwhelming when I look around with sober eyes.. Guilt for not being as present as I can with the girls.. Im a horrendous care giver/wife, which is so insane.. How is a wife supposed to be when her husband has a chronic illness and she already is resentful and confused in our marriage and all the fucking drinking… Stay on track stay on track, no drinking.. None of this means isolate, get out there and connect with people.. No, bubble up.. Stay home, focused, excercize cook healthy meals self care.. Well that is isolation isn’t it? Am I really an alcoholic? Or did I overindulge in recovery books and meetings and therapy and treatment and I am now brainwashed.. Dude, your an alcoholic or you wouldn’t have done any of these things… Right? Can’t I just reset all my ideas and begin as just Lex.. Not Alcoholic Lex, not Sober Lex, not Lex the Mom and wife.. Ugh.. Sleep.. I need sleep.. Or, should I get up and drink luxurious coffee in the peaceful dark.. Regroup and write.. That sounds good..
The on and off agains are no longer workin… I’m not done here yet. Regroup. Reorganize sober tool box.. Tell someone (other than hub who could give a fuck (a long story for another day)).. Insomnia, sick tummy.. Calm.. Exhausted.. Ready to have some fucking courage And gather up what I know works and leave the rest.. Reinvent myself within a wonky marriage.. Love my self again.. Slow and steady. Fight the good fight.
(Yes I feel crazy)
The weekend was not as easy as I wished.. It’s ok to be let down.. Nasty arguments with husband… Feels so fucking yucky.. You know feeling that with out the booze dulling the edges.. But alas, I pushed thru.. Also his drinking, I have been here since forever.. It’s just everything is so loud and bright and obnoxious.. I went to church was all about the “Inferno” inside.. I’ll spare all details, but not an hour after that I had a full out breakdown/outburst/explosion at my father in law.. I was somehow past my tipping point and acted WAY out of character and yelled/cried and stormed out like a freaking maniac.. In front of kids, step children and other random InLaws.. I feel spent and confused and head in the clouds dizzy.. I’m not drunk though.. I’m not sitting alone hiding behind a random cocktail that means nothing to me … I’m sharing into the sober cyber wonderland and going to bed.. I’m not giving up.. I cannot wait for tomorrow..