Some thoughts today as I sit having a quiet sunshiny cup of coffee.. Sure, I had incredible postpartum with baby #1 and used the mommy treat tactic of gobbling up glass after glass of wine as soon as baby was fed and sleeping peacefully.. Yes I amped up my disease following each birth of the next two incredibly close births of my beautiful daughters.. Absolutely as they grew and life got real and I became more and more unsettled and overwhelmed, and the “treat” became A dependence.. Instead of ruminate in the shithole years I missed trying to escape the pain and fear of motherhood with drinking, and using I am feeling quite at peace.. It happened. It’s all part of my story. The reality now is, I cannot make up those past 9 years of mommyhood, or 20 some odd years of partygirlhood, but I can accept it.. Accept it all for what it was and what it’s shaped me into..
Perfection was the goal after bringing that first pink bundle of joy home all those years ago. I compared, loathed and medicated myself.. My marriage suffered my relationships my self esteem.. I blacked out, got hurt, hurt others, missed out and skipped out on life.. I know TODAY I don’t have to do that anymore.. I get to feel the feels, laugh genuinely, be present and recover.. I am here to just. Be. Me. Show these girls what life can be and what it doesn’t have to be for them.. I am allowed to cry and hurt and feel.. It seriously feels like I’m growing up right beside these precious little ladies and experience life..
Happy Mother’s Day Sober Lex.. Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours.. Hold on to life a little tighter, experience the sweet spots of reality.. Simply be today..
The shit I did is done.
The wrong decisions, places, people happened.
I can’t go back and warn that younger version of me.. I just acknowledge and love her and accept the past…
If it weren’t for her and all she’s seen and done I would not get the opportunity to meet me, as I am right now.
The hurt will heal and some will not. I will breathe and live and survive. I can allow the Energies that Be to swallow up anything I cannot handle before me and guide me right. I feel safe.. More content than I could ever imagine.. It’s not necessarily the situation it’s the vessel and my spirit..
I have a smile in my pocket. Today I can choose to wear it or save it for later..
Today I’m ok..
The slogans and sayings around the tables of AA sometimes just straight up piss me off or make no sense to me. Restless irritable and discontent. I’ve heard it over and over in meetings. I never once connected. .
Today it’s on repeat over and over in my head.. Must. Pull. Out. Tools.. getting out of my head seems impossible today.. I know sobriety is not all pink clouds and orgasims.. I understand completely that life sucks at times.. Nothing is perfect.. I certainly am not perfect. So I’ll sit.. breathe and meditate a bit..
I’m just unhappy. No matter I won’t drink.. I’m allowed to be sad…
I’m so over living in fear.. And I’m so grateful…
It’s been raining for days. Once the warm sun returns so will the blooms…
I feel so fucking ready for the sun.. I’m cold… This song warms my soul
181 days no booze
35 no MJ
Today is all that matters.. This moment is real, and priceless… As I lay my head on my pillow I feel content.. Nothing more or less.. I choose to let HP guide me thru…
So here in the midwestern state I live the weather is so unpredictable and the winter has been long and grey.. Today is the first time I can remember warm sunshine and green things popping up everywhere. I woke up too early, made coffee, made the kids clean there rooms, made breakfast and made myself go to a meeting… The good definitely outweighs the bad here, but I’m fuckimg antsy.. I was just walking around the yard and the sight of an old bottle top had me drooling for Carona. I decided on more coffee instead and a cig and a bit of writing.. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of breaking my sober spell I had to stop in my tracks.. It is a for sure reminder that I am freshly sober and need to still make sure I’m doing what is righ in front of me.. No more no less..
I am so grateful for this new way of thinking that tears came to my eyes..
I’m so grateful I went to the meeting and plugged into the power of other sober sisters..
I’m so grateful for the Midwest sunshine and my lilac buds..
I’m so grateful I can be antsy and be gentle with myself all at once..
I’m so grateful I don’t need to drink today…
So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises… Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less… She didn’t know any better …
You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant. Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..
I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn. You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..
Lovely I love you