Slogans and sitting in shit. 

   The slogans and sayings around the tables of AA sometimes just straight up piss me off or make no sense to me.  Restless irritable and discontent. I’ve heard it over and over in meetings. I never once connected. .  

   Today it’s on repeat over and over in my head..  Must. Pull. Out. Tools.. getting out of my head seems impossible today.. I know sobriety is not all pink clouds and orgasims.. I understand completely that life sucks at times.. Nothing is perfect..  I certainly am not perfect. So I’ll sit.. breathe and meditate a bit.. 

I’m just unhappy. No matter I won’t drink..  I’m allowed to be sad… 

xo

Lex

I choose to bloom. 181

In Bloom

https://youtu.be/NpDYfkymaSE

It’s been raining for days.  Once the warm sun returns so will the blooms…

I feel so fucking ready for the sun.. I’m cold… This song warms my soul
181 days no booze

35 no MJ

Today is all that matters.. This moment is real, and priceless… As I lay my head on my pillow I feel content.. Nothing more or less.. I choose to let HP guide me thru…

Xo

Lex

Ants 🐜 in my pants..  177 AF dayz 

So here in the midwestern state I live the weather is so unpredictable and the winter has been long and grey.. Today is the first time I can remember warm sunshine and green things popping up everywhere. I woke up too early, made coffee, made the kids clean there rooms, made breakfast and made myself go to a meeting…  The good definitely outweighs the bad here, but I’m fuckimg antsy..  I was just walking around the yard and the sight of an old bottle top had me drooling for Carona.  I decided on more coffee instead and a cig and a bit of writing.. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of breaking my sober spell I had to stop in my tracks..  It is a for sure reminder that I am freshly sober and need to still make sure I’m doing what is righ in front of me..  No more no less.. 

I am so grateful for this new way of thinking that tears came to my eyes..

I’m so grateful I went to the meeting and plugged into the power of other sober sisters..

I’m so grateful for the Midwest sunshine and my lilac buds..

I’m so grateful I can be antsy and be gentle with myself all at once..

I’m so grateful I don’t need to drink today…

Xo

Lex

Lex, You Glorious Wicked Tarnished Soul… 

So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises…  Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less…  She didn’t know any better … 

You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant.  Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..  

I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn.  You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..

Lovely I love you

Xo

Lex

You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

Day one Redux.. Take 89

I am not special. But I do deserve straight up sober happiness.. I deserve to take care of me, love me.. I do not need to loose myself any longer.. Not for other humans nor for the booze … 

I had convinced myself that I cannot get thru this family crisis bullshit drinking wine.. Wine makes me nuts.. Booze also makes me weird and sad and scary and straight up a shell of a person..  So I drank vodka.. So,desperate and sad and alone and not any more special or sad or tragic than anyone else.. 

I need to shut the fuck up and get thru tomo again without drinking. 

Today my last day one.. My bottom is feeling like if I don’t stop the cycle the days sober And then a night black out weirdo alone in the dark drinking it’s going to get worse and more frequent.. 

Do,you believe this is a disease that wants us dead?

Or am I just drinking to die or feel dead? 

With all I have to live for I choose life.. 

I’m terrified somehow..

Xo

Lex