I’ve forgotten over time..

Over years and years of conditioning, I somehow taught myself to walk around without breathing.  

Ive held my breath so long because;

I am astonished at others behavior.

I am overwhelmed with confusion or biting my tongue.

I cannot believe what I’ve just done. Or you or HIM…. 

I am trapped inside my mind, my marriage, my addiction…

I cannot imagine I’m worthy of Oxygen.

I may smell like wine, or weed or vodka.

I can barely move.

I am unsure of who I am, how I got here or where to go next..

I hate them.

I hate me.

I honestly don’t want to be with people..

I cannot believe this…

So many more 

Now it’s different.. that was before..  before I actually took a hard look at myself and my addiction and realized it’s me. All me. Old conditioned pathways and neurotransmitters and behavior.

I couldn’t breathe because I was not alive and living life.. I couldn’t stand who I was .. I didn’t see that I had to just love me and the rest will or won’t work out.. I’m learning slowly but surely to take long soulful breaths… Love me a little more each day.. Let that shit go and let HP take care of the rest.. zero fucks

P.s. I got a tat to remind myself often…

Xo

Lex

No longer afraid of everything. 


Funny how a tad of real true soul sobriety has me seeing…  Not too long ago I was a drunk/high pushover. Today I see how horrendous I was to myself and deserve better.  The things I tolerated and out up with I no longer have to. 

Duh. I have the choice.

I do not need to be around people I actually don’t like. I do not care for being treated like shit. I refuse to treat others with disrespect so why would I!  

I do not have to say “Yes” because you expect me too.  The amount of times I said yes to even my hub, when I actually meant NO I cannot even count. Wether it’s going somewhere or doing something I actually don’t wanna I won’t..

I deserve to be loved. Period 

I am a whole human with feelings, and thoughts and actual ideas. Yes I am not just a Caregiver. My career may tell some otherwise but I’m not here to serve people 24/7.

I am an introvert. I like quiet and to be alone. I do not need to surround myself with a crowd. I want to enjoy the simple things and nature and my babies. 

I get to cry, laugh smile and be mad. I’m not always FINE. I’m all messy and ugly and beautiful and it’s ok.

Getting buzzed makes all this disappear and I will not tolerate that.
Not sure where this post is going except I’m so ready to embrace me. 

Xo

Lex

Lex, You Glorious Wicked Tarnished Soul… 

So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises…  Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less…  She didn’t know any better … 

You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant.  Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..  

I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn.  You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..

Lovely I love you

Xo

Lex

With age I become.. 

The have been so many year of my life chasing something or someone.. now at 38 I can see that it was not a waste , but ground work to the woman I Am and always knew exsisited. I would tell that lonely little girl chasing boys, and the next high that you are 100% worthy of exactly what is good and right.. not some bullshit hangover or asshole one night stand or fake picture of what someone made you feel. No you get to choose and you deserve it all. 

Confidence and Sobriety and love, lust, health, brains, a career you love.. you get it all because you deserve it. 

Maybe slowly maybe quickly.. no matter it starts within.. 

You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

I got traction.. Sober traction that is..

Obviously my anxiety has decreased, my sweaty face and pits are gone..  I no longer feel like I am going to actually die… All good reasons to continue my path.. I’m doing this for me. A lifestyle overhaul that has been in the making for 3 years (as long as I have been trying so hard to quit).. I’m proud of myself. I also have been able to say no a lot.. 

Husband still drinks. I woke up at 330 with Fox News blaring and him coughing up a lung or whatever that was.. I came out to the living room to him passed out, lights on, tv crazy loud.. Threw a blanket on him. Shut everything down and took a step back..

What if…

My girls came to him in the night and saw such a non receptive fright… 

     I was in that situation and my girls needed me.. Fucking terrifying…

He stops breathing.   *He has been dealing with a serious chronic illness for 1.4 years and in the last two weeks took himself off all life longevity (terrible awful poison but medically needed) medications.. 

Z   I could have stopped breathing many times.. Jesus, I cannot go back, but I can live on that sad version of myself.

I could go on.. I was frozen watching him.  Crying hot, sad tears… I felt a surge of energy, or spirit.. I cried for him and his disease and his alcoholism.. I cried for me and my struggly fight.. I cried for my daughters and they’re future and present emotional household.. I cried..

I woke up feeling refreshed.. I feel like decisions will be easier today.. Called a lovely sober temp sponsor type.. I’m on the up n up.. Slow and steady…

Xo

Lex

Nothing changes if, nothing changes.. 

I wrote that exact quote in a journal I found from when I was 14!  Why should this shock me?  I’ve been since around then or a tad earlier,  contemplating change, peace, and happiness.. I remember feeling so unworthy, so in like my family, so forced into life events and activities and already knowing “I was different”…   I did not fit the mold.. Or what my parents had written in the LexFamily law books… 

My parents ran a business in a small remote community and my Dad was the Lay of the Law.. We must act, dress and be a certain way in public so people respect us (Him and his big Ego) and not act like “trash”… Well I have been called that and other lovely nick names in the years to come, but I can to this day remembering feeling like, “why can’t I just be me? ”

Now I am a parent and tell the littles to be on they’re best LexFamily behavior, be polite and respectful and don’t ever be afraid to be you..  And no matter what your sisters and mom and dad always got your back.. I tell them that we are a team..

Going back to LittleLex, I was pressured to not be me.. 

Me who:

*Liked and hung out with the “less fortunate” crowd.. The bad boys and girls that actually some have been dear friends since.. 

*Was/Is Out spoken. Or maybe filterless, or just says what comes to mind before thinking. 

*My own unique and out there style.. Family wanted to have a kakhi and polo facade… I preferred flannels, black cherry lipstick and combat boots..  I’m unsure why it bothered them so much, how can style make a person “bad”.. P.s. Miss the 90s terribly.. 

*uninterested and awful at school, I believe now it is def A.D.D. Completely misdiagnosed as a youngster. They just thought I was defiant, and naughty and using booze or drugs to “Hurt my Folks)

*had a passion since a small child to be in the hair business ” my parents actually said that “cosmetology is a rediculous career choice and you’ll never make it or money”.  (I later proved them wrong)

*wanted to stray the family unit and ended up being a sneaky lying teenager with anger and alcohol/pot problems..

Black sheep. Moon Unit. Trailer trashy. 

Ugh. Anyway back on track… All of who I thought I was was shunned and I just wanted to find peace within myself.. Like who am I really?  I feel this, they say no.. That poor 14 year old girl with the weight on her shoulders to “Change” herself..  Since then it has been burned into my unicorn brain to constantly try to make myself better, push to find the real me..

 “Nothing changes if Nothing changes”  it is an ironic saying.. I hear it in the rooms of AA, all over recovery blogs and books.. I actually heard it at a professional conference like 2 weeks ago.. And than I was moving a box and this journal popped out..

I ramble and will probably not reread this for a bit so if anyone reads this I hope it makes some sense..  I guess, now as I sit here on day 6 or whatever with counting, just here today contemplating this old aged quote of the ages.. It cannot ring any truer for me, but now I see it is not ME who I should be fighting so hard to change… I need to stop resisting just being me.. The changes are all Everything=Everything like.. No Lex do not change you change actions.. 
Xo

Lex