Slogans and sitting in shit. 

   The slogans and sayings around the tables of AA sometimes just straight up piss me off or make no sense to me.  Restless irritable and discontent. I’ve heard it over and over in meetings. I never once connected. .  

   Today it’s on repeat over and over in my head..  Must. Pull. Out. Tools.. getting out of my head seems impossible today.. I know sobriety is not all pink clouds and orgasims.. I understand completely that life sucks at times.. Nothing is perfect..  I certainly am not perfect. So I’ll sit.. breathe and meditate a bit.. 

I’m just unhappy. No matter I won’t drink..  I’m allowed to be sad… 

xo

Lex

I choose to bloom. 181

In Bloom

https://youtu.be/NpDYfkymaSE

It’s been raining for days.  Once the warm sun returns so will the blooms…

I feel so fucking ready for the sun.. I’m cold… This song warms my soul
181 days no booze

35 no MJ

Today is all that matters.. This moment is real, and priceless… As I lay my head on my pillow I feel content.. Nothing more or less.. I choose to let HP guide me thru…

Xo

Lex

I’m ok, really.. 

My head may explode from all the honesty and reality.. But I won’t drink or use.. I’m tired and when I’m not I’m to busy to get stuff done.. Again I won’t drink or use over it..  I have had to simplify everything in my life including excusing myself from travels, parties and my last job.. Not even thinking about drinking over this… My marriage is a bit of an upheaval, no mind numbing drinks or drugs needed here…   There are days when I can’t tell you if I’m coming or going, if it’s day or night… Still, staying sober… I’m often lonely or bored or sad or pissed or just straight up overwhelmed… Sober yet… 

I wondered when I’d feel like this.. I guess it’s today.. I am about ready to wrap up a 6 or so week treatment thingy and will be back to reality before I know it and I’m ready to face the music..

Xo

Lex

Ants 🐜 in my pants..  177 AF dayz 

So here in the midwestern state I live the weather is so unpredictable and the winter has been long and grey.. Today is the first time I can remember warm sunshine and green things popping up everywhere. I woke up too early, made coffee, made the kids clean there rooms, made breakfast and made myself go to a meeting…  The good definitely outweighs the bad here, but I’m fuckimg antsy..  I was just walking around the yard and the sight of an old bottle top had me drooling for Carona.  I decided on more coffee instead and a cig and a bit of writing.. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of breaking my sober spell I had to stop in my tracks..  It is a for sure reminder that I am freshly sober and need to still make sure I’m doing what is righ in front of me..  No more no less.. 

I am so grateful for this new way of thinking that tears came to my eyes..

I’m so grateful I went to the meeting and plugged into the power of other sober sisters..

I’m so grateful for the Midwest sunshine and my lilac buds..

I’m so grateful I can be antsy and be gentle with myself all at once..

I’m so grateful I don’t need to drink today…

Xo

Lex

The 171st day without a drink..

It’s early here in the chilly Midwest.. I get up and try to stay quite in a house where everyone else sleeps.. I make my coffee and my 6 year old joins me in my king sized bed for cartoons and snuggles.. It’s a perfectly lovely way to start a lazy Sunday.. No real plans except at some point wrap up any homework, bathe the children and make a meal or two to help out in the busy week ahead.. 

Simple. Sober. No hangover. No blurry vision from an unknown amount of opiates and immediate handful ingested upon waking.. No reason to sit outside in this chilly weather to smoke my hangover away with copious amounts of weed, coffee and cigs.. No frantic urge to twirl and clean and resent everyone in this house for not picking up their shit from the night before.

No. Content with just BEING..  It is perfect as is. The overwhelm I used to feel slowly is melting away.. I refuse to get a head about this.. I will try to keep my wits and stay humble because I just have this moment, this 24 hours..

It’s a bit of a ramble but I’m finding if I keep my shoulders square and my head up and my ego at bay I can make it this day till my head hits the pillow tonight.. 

here’s to a sober Sunday. Snuggles and good food.. keeping it simple and being gentle with me…

Xo

Lex

I’ve forgotten over time..

Over years and years of conditioning, I somehow taught myself to walk around without breathing.  

Ive held my breath so long because;

I am astonished at others behavior.

I am overwhelmed with confusion or biting my tongue.

I cannot believe what I’ve just done. Or you or HIM…. 

I am trapped inside my mind, my marriage, my addiction…

I cannot imagine I’m worthy of Oxygen.

I may smell like wine, or weed or vodka.

I can barely move.

I am unsure of who I am, how I got here or where to go next..

I hate them.

I hate me.

I honestly don’t want to be with people..

I cannot believe this…

So many more 

Now it’s different.. that was before..  before I actually took a hard look at myself and my addiction and realized it’s me. All me. Old conditioned pathways and neurotransmitters and behavior.

I couldn’t breathe because I was not alive and living life.. I couldn’t stand who I was .. I didn’t see that I had to just love me and the rest will or won’t work out.. I’m learning slowly but surely to take long soulful breaths… Love me a little more each day.. Let that shit go and let HP take care of the rest.. zero fucks

P.s. I got a tat to remind myself often…

Xo

Lex