Reflecting on my experience.
So here’s the thing. I made it. Fair and square. No nuts no butts no coconuts. This time I’ve actually done this surrender thing and I’ve found that AA and any means possible are what got me to this day, and I only have today. I’ve been fighting a douchey monster since I can remember and the funny thing about it is it was me hating myself the whole fucking time.. I started out as a young girl trying to find normalcy in a world that was perfectly layer before me. A world that had to be just so or you were not OK.. My first drunk gave me such relief from that. I was 14 or 15 and I could talk to boys and be a fun loud confident girl with no regards for self respect or acting like a jerk.. I spent many years trying to replicate that moment. Many years I disappointed myself and others over and over. Yearning to feel ok in my skin, desperate for som sort of peace and confidence.. Nothing worked. Booze, boys, drugs, helping everyone with their shit, giving my soul away left and right.. Nothing worked, so I kept on.. Moving, twirling in speeds unhuman. I never stopped to sit in quiet.
Pressing on thru my early 20s I could finally work, make money, go to bars, search for someone or something to love me.. I was desperate. Outside and in. I made horrific choices and most of which were in a black out white girl wasted fashion.. Again not stoping once to think it was me I was searching for.. I met this man at age 24 he was older, had life experience and was a father, told me everything I needed to hear.. I was hooked once again. His closeted skeletons meant nothing to me because I thought that sex and attention (good or bad) and false words and spending years and years trying to fix him would eventually fix me. I was broken.. I am unsure if I ever felt whole.. I gave him my all mixed in with Yeager Bombs and my body.. I got pregnant after 4 years of that selfish self hatred behavior.
My daughter, a wedding, a house.. This I figured was finally the answer to all of the nightmares.. She would now save me.. And two more stunning daughters to quickly follow I knew they would absolutely save me from myself.. I was dead wrong..
No matter who I gave my life and soul to I was still there.. And with that came a dark and twisty step up from party girl out drinking all the boys.. I would grab for wine now.. Not just a glass or so every now and then, that my love was not enough.. Bottles.. I would strive for out side perfection, continue to work tirelessly on fixing my alcoholic lying husband and after tucking in my small daughters I’d blot out the days with deathly amounts of booze… I was slowly but surely dying and decided I’d either wake one day and be saved or never wake up and everyone else would be saved..
3 years or so I found you. I started searching the sober cyber world.. Collected self help books. Fed my face and became a tired, overweight, shell of a woman. I couldn’t keep up with the outside so I gave up inside. I tried therapy, a quick stint in treatment, AA, lying, drinking more, smoking weed to stop the drinking until I fell dead in my tracks.. My husband who I’d been trying so hard to fix fell gravely ill and I had to give up on myself even more so, if that is possible. I put all my time and energy in his doctors, my daughters and at night I’d cry myself to sleep really hoping to not awake.. I soon found relief from his pain medications. Again not just one or two here and there, handfuls. I’d lie and do things that I had no clue I was capable of.. I’d steal hundreds of pills and blame it on some sort of home invasion.. I’d loose 100 pounds because I could no longer swallow due to stress and self hatred.. I would die ever so much more on a daily basis and learn to hate him and myself with each breath..
I was ready to give up. Just run away from my beautiful dear daughters and like my 13 year old self find a new place to go where no one knew me and start over..
September of 2016 was my worst. I told on myself not giving a fuck who I hurt or if I’d stop.. I ignored all signs of physical detox and suck in ounces of weed and handfuls of pills by day and bottle after bottle of wine at night.. I needed a way out..
I woke up one day deciding I would do all the pills and pot I’d had with a few drinks and a whole bottle of cold medicine. It is a blur that three days or so. I’m not going to live in that shame and guilt, but shit it was horrific… Somehow I called a detox hospital and begged my husband to help me and no longer support my addiction and needed up in a 10 day detox. As horrible as it was I knew I could no longer go back to the me that was. I now knew what surrender was. I begged for help because my addiction was trying so desperately to kill me.. My brain and body had changed, my soul was empty and either I listened to what everyone told me or it was all over.. I decided I must take extreme measures and leave my children and job and what was left of my world, and go to inpatient treatment, rehab. It would be the turning point in finding me. That peace I so desperately wrote about in journal after journal as a 10, 11, 12 year old girl? It was simply being given the gift to love myself. No guilt or selfishness about it, simply self love..
Who the fuck knew! Sounded simple, but my dear it was and is work. I returned home after 7 weeks and was like a foreign child trying to survive in a new, big, bright, beautiful scary world. I knew I wasn’t alone but felt so fucking alone. I relapsed. I convinced myself because it was not a drink or opiate I was still on my path. I quit my job and put my whole body time and energy into AA and recovery, wrapped up in my lie.
I hit another deep dark twisty depression and wanted to give up once more, but somehow found it in myself to yell from the rooftops I NEED HELP I CANNOT DO YHIS MY WAY OR I WILL DIE! That was 100 days ago. I gave up and quit feeding the bad wolf. I started loving and nurturing the good one who wanted to live and breathe and sho my daughters what a brave warrior can do…
I cannot fix anyone or anything. I cannot love anyone or anything unless I start with me.
I know that boasting or outing myself is only harmful because I only have this very moment, this day.. But putting my sobriety before all that I love insures me that today I can be the best version of me, the best mommy I can be…