You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

Day one Redux.. Take 89

I am not special. But I do deserve straight up sober happiness.. I deserve to take care of me, love me.. I do not need to loose myself any longer.. Not for other humans nor for the booze … 

I had convinced myself that I cannot get thru this family crisis bullshit drinking wine.. Wine makes me nuts.. Booze also makes me weird and sad and scary and straight up a shell of a person..  So I drank vodka.. So,desperate and sad and alone and not any more special or sad or tragic than anyone else.. 

I need to shut the fuck up and get thru tomo again without drinking. 

Today my last day one.. My bottom is feeling like if I don’t stop the cycle the days sober And then a night black out weirdo alone in the dark drinking it’s going to get worse and more frequent.. 

Do,you believe this is a disease that wants us dead?

Or am I just drinking to die or feel dead? 

With all I have to live for I choose life.. 

I’m terrified somehow..

Xo

Lex

Brain ranting.. 

Early morning coffee in the dark… I can’t help but be reminded how I feel on day 3..  I’m putting it out there on paper so to speak to perchance remove it from my brain..  Insomnia.. My body was so tired but I was constantly awakened by my brain… 

A Day 3 early morning rant/crazy removal.. 

“Over thinking, overwhelming… My house is cra overwhelming when I look around with sober eyes..  Guilt for not being as present as I can with the girls.. Im a horrendous care giver/wife, which is so insane.. How is a wife supposed to be when her husband has a chronic illness and she already is resentful and confused in our marriage and all the fucking drinking… Stay on track stay on track, no drinking.. None of this means isolate, get out there and connect with people.. No, bubble up.. Stay home, focused, excercize cook healthy meals self care.. Well that is isolation isn’t it?  Am I really an alcoholic? Or did I overindulge in recovery books and meetings and therapy and treatment and I am now brainwashed.. Dude, your an alcoholic or you wouldn’t have done any of these things… Right? Can’t I just reset all my ideas and begin as just Lex.. Not Alcoholic Lex, not Sober Lex, not Lex the Mom and wife.. Ugh.. Sleep.. I need sleep.. Or, should I get up and drink luxurious coffee in the peaceful dark.. Regroup and write.. That sounds good.. 

Day 2.. 1.2.16

The on and off agains are no longer workin… I’m not done here yet.  Regroup. Reorganize sober tool box.. Tell someone (other than hub who could give a fuck (a long story for another day)).. Insomnia, sick tummy.. Calm.. Exhausted..  Ready to have some fucking courage And gather up what I know works and leave the rest.. Reinvent myself within a wonky marriage.. Love my self again.. Slow and steady.  Fight the good fight.

Lex

(Yes I feel crazy)

My side of the street is disappointing.. 

I am vulnerable, wobbly, newly sober again.. I’ve been here done that.  I live in my own space I have created..  Me, my story.. It’s hard not to be completely and utterly disappointed again and again… I’m on day 5, bla bla bla.. I feel deep down completely done.. I no longer feel that booze has any part of my life.. It was no low bottom (this time) I’ve hit that already it hurts and it’s raw and real and embarrassing.. 

I am struggling disappointment.. In the past I’ve disappointed my mum as a teenager showing up late, slurring words and out of focus.. Or my husband who may have thought he’d get lucky or simply party the night away, but instead I saunter off in a black haze to pass out in bed.. I’ve disappointed clients and coworkers for not being able to show up and show out, or even fucking call…   I’ve disappointed my children by not being able to get off the couch to be social, or go play, or have a real conversation… 

Besides all that since I can remember I was disappointed in myself.. How totally fucked up is this? I can barely rember a moment that I was not harshly judging my actions, my job, my parenting skills, me… I have disappointed my self..  It hurts. I’m my worst critic, and I have fucked up so many times I cannot even think to count.  Especially when drinking is involved… But I slide thru the cracks.. I am forgiven. People love me, or are just stuck with me.. 

When it comes to this path to sobriety, when I put it out there and continually fuck up, slip, Relapse, test I am disappointed..  I feel like I’ve burnt bridges.. I do not belong in this beautiful cool group of sober people because the effort put in and the constant bullshit I put out is fucking exhausting..

I’m at a strange and uncomfortable scary place.. I’m scared of straying, loosing the lifelines… But seriously how many times can I do this and not just disgust and annoy the lovely wonderful sober inspirations?  I call. I show up to a random meeting.. People call to check in and I avoid calls and I hide and isolate and show up again another day… 

I should not care what people think of me.. I’d like to not care.. But what happens is the fog lifts and my feelings feel and I can see clearly and reflect on this roller coaster which is my truth, my story.. I’m head down tail between my legs.. My husband once said to me (I was “quitting” for the first time and I went to AA and called my mom and told her I’m a drunk (no surprise to her:))

“Now that you said it you can never go back”  he was drunk.. I was pissed, but he was right.. 

But what he also didn’t know is I don’t want to go back… At that time I was drinking 3 to 5 nights a week, 1 to 3 bottles of wine at a time and a vodka night cap… I never want to go back.. Now I get sober and stay sober and 3 nights or 3 weeks later I forget.. And you know the cycle.. Here I am..

I am throwing in the towel.. I have no more room in my life for booze.. But I have to get out of my head that I am a failure a hypocrite.. A fake.. 

What works and what doesn’t.. 

I love writing lists.. Perfect time for a list of what works or not, for me and my fight to freedom..  There is a LOT going on at home for me, so putting me and my safety, sanity, and sobriety need to be put on the top of my list… Treating myself like I deserve to be treated.. 

Not working…..

Isolation.. From friends, family, sober friends, cyber sober culty friends, activities with kids and school functions..

An “I can do this on my own” attitude.. Duh

Allowing booze to constantly be brought into my home..   And than immediately feeling anger and resentment.. 

Not utilizing my sober tools.. Therapy, physical activity, sharing with others like me, eating when hungry, sleeping when tired, letting the overwhelm of my chaotic world run my mind… 

So I suppose if I think about it all paths and triggers for my next slip.. I’m stringing along days and than Bam! Well you see the pattern…  Me too.. 

Things that work..

As cheesy as I feel, Mindfulness.. If I practice my version of mindfulness and meditation daily I stay on track.. I remind myself to breathe in and out… Center and use love and compassion for myself and others.. This practice is newish to me and I see it part of my long lived recovery path.. Don’t know exactly how or why, but I feel like this is a big key to my inner peace I constantly try to force upon myself.. 

Utilizing a simple daily schedule.. I’m A.D.D. And have a tendency to be all over the place and my house and other daily tasks suffer a bit.. I need simplicity and a semi organized bubble.. Unfortunately I am responsible for getting my kids on hand to help and do a lot of it myself.. In early sobriety like today for example, I have to rest and heal and slowly get my mind and surroundings back to functioning.. I try to have a few simple chores and tasks to do daily so the overwhelm stays slightly at bay.. A load ofLaundry, a walk, plan simple healthy meals for my family, drink a great deal,of water (I actually check off ounces to stay hydrated)   And sleep at least 8 hours a day.. Simple but when I start slipping so does this, and it’s like a vicious cycle.. 

Yes, taking it a day at a time… Some days minute by minute, or only till bedtime.. 

Reaching out.. Asking for help.. 

Not beating my self up.. Loving my self enough… Just enough to not pour poison into my body.. 
I’m going to stop right now.. Over do it, over share.. I don’t know. Just a list for now.. 

Here’s to day two.. Got my walk in.. Had a healthy breakfast, shower.. Keeping it simple today.. #3 at home with a fever..  Movies and snuggles for us toady.. 

Who, love me? 

  

So I can sit here and write down all the details leading up to the “Out Loud and Incredibly in your face Real, Raw” relapse thing happening here to me but it would exert way way to much energy..  There is no more fucking around here.. I refuse to let this so called disease get the better of me… I will not be taken down by it or anything for that matter.. I have the power within myself to make it happen.. I’ve been there, and rehab and wrote a book on it.. I’m exhausted.. Drinking Makes me more so.. 

I woke up today and thought, “who the fuck do you think you are?”!  I looked at my reflection and realized there is such a lack of love here… Self love.. Not the kind that I look at myself and say, “wow your something else there lady”.. The kind of love that I am missing so deeply.. Love that fills my soul.. Love and care and peaceful thoughts… The part when I mentally beat myself up constantly about things out of my control, that part has to stop.. That leads to the drink.  And right now I hate the drink… 

After years and years of drinking bingeing on what ever when ever, here I decide to “moderate” with just a couple beers, no wine what so ever and maybe a vodka here and there… Well that shit does not work..  Alcohol Free works.. Sober.. There is now way in the world that I will be able to continue taking care of the girls my household, my job and unwell husband while “moderating”…  It is likely that I will self destruct.. I will loose everything.. I have already lost myself here..

So with that I am on day one and feel wonky and wobbly and shitty and ugly… I want to ball up in a corner and hide from the house full of my beautiful daughters and husband… I want like a beer or two to ward off the hangover… I won’t drink… I’m done drinking.. 

I cannot drink and love me.. I cannot drink and expect anything to change..  my happiness and wholeness are on the line here.. I drink, I die just a little bit more.. I don’t drink, I live a little more each moment..

I chose life..

I choose to not drink today, just till I go to bed… 

I choose self love and compassion..

Xo

Lex