I choose to bloom. 181

In Bloom

https://youtu.be/NpDYfkymaSE

It’s been raining for days.  Once the warm sun returns so will the blooms…

I feel so fucking ready for the sun.. I’m cold… This song warms my soul
181 days no booze

35 no MJ

Today is all that matters.. This moment is real, and priceless… As I lay my head on my pillow I feel content.. Nothing more or less.. I choose to let HP guide me thru…

Xo

Lex

You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

Winds of Change…

Alas I’m here.  Continue to reach as hard as I can for support outlets.  *as I remove the bug from my coffee and take the first sip regardless*  Today I’m sober. Today I’ve been for a few days but not counting right now has just seemed to work in my favor.

There’s an upheaval in chaos here and building up to it was really fucking hard.. My heart was bashed and broken and I was holding my family together as tight as I could all while watching the man I fell in love with 15 years ago giving up on himself.   His illness got the best if him and he was doing what all of us do to “forget” and adding too much booze to the mix of illness and pills and weak organs.

Well he’s home. There’s more but enough for now..

 

Now im up.watching the sunrise and removing bugs from coffee.. Getting ready to accomplish some shit and love myself today..

 

No clue where I’m going but I do know today I’m sober, I love myself a little bit more,  I have a huge support network and friends and family who love me.. And 3 of the most amazing little girls who are my reason, my tribe, my soul..

 

 

And that’s pretty ok for today. .

 

Xo

Lex

I got traction.. Sober traction that is..

Obviously my anxiety has decreased, my sweaty face and pits are gone..  I no longer feel like I am going to actually die… All good reasons to continue my path.. I’m doing this for me. A lifestyle overhaul that has been in the making for 3 years (as long as I have been trying so hard to quit).. I’m proud of myself. I also have been able to say no a lot.. 

Husband still drinks. I woke up at 330 with Fox News blaring and him coughing up a lung or whatever that was.. I came out to the living room to him passed out, lights on, tv crazy loud.. Threw a blanket on him. Shut everything down and took a step back..

What if…

My girls came to him in the night and saw such a non receptive fright… 

     I was in that situation and my girls needed me.. Fucking terrifying…

He stops breathing.   *He has been dealing with a serious chronic illness for 1.4 years and in the last two weeks took himself off all life longevity (terrible awful poison but medically needed) medications.. 

Z   I could have stopped breathing many times.. Jesus, I cannot go back, but I can live on that sad version of myself.

I could go on.. I was frozen watching him.  Crying hot, sad tears… I felt a surge of energy, or spirit.. I cried for him and his disease and his alcoholism.. I cried for me and my struggly fight.. I cried for my daughters and they’re future and present emotional household.. I cried..

I woke up feeling refreshed.. I feel like decisions will be easier today.. Called a lovely sober temp sponsor type.. I’m on the up n up.. Slow and steady…

Xo

Lex

Nothing changes if, nothing changes.. 

I wrote that exact quote in a journal I found from when I was 14!  Why should this shock me?  I’ve been since around then or a tad earlier,  contemplating change, peace, and happiness.. I remember feeling so unworthy, so in like my family, so forced into life events and activities and already knowing “I was different”…   I did not fit the mold.. Or what my parents had written in the LexFamily law books… 

My parents ran a business in a small remote community and my Dad was the Lay of the Law.. We must act, dress and be a certain way in public so people respect us (Him and his big Ego) and not act like “trash”… Well I have been called that and other lovely nick names in the years to come, but I can to this day remembering feeling like, “why can’t I just be me? ”

Now I am a parent and tell the littles to be on they’re best LexFamily behavior, be polite and respectful and don’t ever be afraid to be you..  And no matter what your sisters and mom and dad always got your back.. I tell them that we are a team..

Going back to LittleLex, I was pressured to not be me.. 

Me who:

*Liked and hung out with the “less fortunate” crowd.. The bad boys and girls that actually some have been dear friends since.. 

*Was/Is Out spoken. Or maybe filterless, or just says what comes to mind before thinking. 

*My own unique and out there style.. Family wanted to have a kakhi and polo facade… I preferred flannels, black cherry lipstick and combat boots..  I’m unsure why it bothered them so much, how can style make a person “bad”.. P.s. Miss the 90s terribly.. 

*uninterested and awful at school, I believe now it is def A.D.D. Completely misdiagnosed as a youngster. They just thought I was defiant, and naughty and using booze or drugs to “Hurt my Folks)

*had a passion since a small child to be in the hair business ” my parents actually said that “cosmetology is a rediculous career choice and you’ll never make it or money”.  (I later proved them wrong)

*wanted to stray the family unit and ended up being a sneaky lying teenager with anger and alcohol/pot problems..

Black sheep. Moon Unit. Trailer trashy. 

Ugh. Anyway back on track… All of who I thought I was was shunned and I just wanted to find peace within myself.. Like who am I really?  I feel this, they say no.. That poor 14 year old girl with the weight on her shoulders to “Change” herself..  Since then it has been burned into my unicorn brain to constantly try to make myself better, push to find the real me..

 “Nothing changes if Nothing changes”  it is an ironic saying.. I hear it in the rooms of AA, all over recovery blogs and books.. I actually heard it at a professional conference like 2 weeks ago.. And than I was moving a box and this journal popped out..

I ramble and will probably not reread this for a bit so if anyone reads this I hope it makes some sense..  I guess, now as I sit here on day 6 or whatever with counting, just here today contemplating this old aged quote of the ages.. It cannot ring any truer for me, but now I see it is not ME who I should be fighting so hard to change… I need to stop resisting just being me.. The changes are all Everything=Everything like.. No Lex do not change you change actions.. 
Xo

Lex

Future Lex, or not.. 

I’ll start by saying I’m on day 2.  Im not going to sit in the depths of guilt and shame.. I’m taking it minute by minute and treating myself kindly..  The build up of relapse or slip or whatever you want to call it started somewhere mid a 30 day sober stint and exploded in my face.. It’s like the amount of real world shit going on under my roof becomes so hard to bare and of course sober feelings feel real stingy, you know?  Well I’ll call my self on that bullshit.. The reality is it’s completely mandatory I continue in my sobriety path in order for answers to lots of unknowns to come to the surface… Yes I have a unwell husband who’s also an alcoholic.. I’m the prime caregiver and parent and housekeeper and have my career.  These are realities… Facts.. Also facts, I cannot drink.. No not one not a bottle nope nothing.. It’s better that way.. Ok. 

Yesterday I reached out to a woman I met last February in treatment… We had the same sobriety date.. February 19th..  We came from completely different walks, but hit it off immediately.. She rightly so pulled away after I relapsed after 50 days.. Anyhow….. I wanted to congratulate her.. She who upon arriving to rehab hit her rock bottom after having a heart attack due to her drinking.. She had lost her marriage, her home, her teenage children refusing to acknowledge her.. She saw in me a young mother trying to get sober like she had years prior when her kids were little and after like 10 years the drink got ahold of her once more… She hurt so badly for me because she knows exactly what will happen if I continue drinking.. Is this confusing?  Belle always says Everything = Everything.. She is I me if I do not stop.. And I refuse to loose anything I so gratefully have now.. My babies, my family, my home.. Alone drinking till heart attack.. 

Well, I feel so grateful she called and invited me to a meeting on Wednesday evenings.. I know I need this piece of the puzzle.. I had conferences for the gals last night so I made a promise to her and I I’ll be there seven days sober next Wednesday.. 

Xoxxox

Lex

Demolishing day 6

I had a “meeting” with my in laws yesterday.. They are an unemotional, weird, non communicative, power hungry, and irritatingly fake bunch.. They asked me questions about my husband (they’re only son) health like they had no fucking clue.. He got very sick last year and findings ar he will be sick in some way shape or form for ever.. The hard awful truth.. I’m not going to share too much due to that whole annonimity thang.. But it’s turned his young life upside down and our marriage and famiky will never be what we intended.. He’s chronically ill and also in denial of a drinking prob to boot which was not spoken of during this meeting.. 

They looked at me like they had no idea the capacity of his illness and like I was with holding information from them because they are too fucked up to call they’re own son and be up front and honest with him or intone for that matter… They pretend family disfunction, health and pain does not exist..   I told them the pain and disfunction and reality of his disease and I cried and showed them the real me and I drank over it…
I’m sorry I did not utilize any of the sober tools I had in my toolbox.. I did not email or text or call my sober friends, I did not just fucking go to bed… No.. I Let a very difficult day filled with so much shit turn into Lex the drunky mom.. I am so fucking over the guilt and shame (I believe AA added to my already old school Russian family inherited guilt and shame) I will not dwell in day 6 the day I fucking drank way too much wine like where I left off years ago.. I go 6 days or 6 weeks and pick up where I left off when I was a consistently active “moderating;)” drunk.. I don’t think any of this is funny.. The craziness of what is happening in my marriage and life got to me.. I want all that shit to inspire me.. Inspire me to get better and make this my year.. My year to shine and follow my dreams and goals.. If I drink at all I will no be able to; be the mom I want to be. Figure out what I’m doing next.. Increase my business and start my own.. Get healthy.. Feel peace.. 

That’s actually not to much to ask, but if I drink it is..