Some thoughts today as I sit having a quiet sunshiny cup of coffee.. Sure, I had incredible postpartum with baby #1 and used the mommy treat tactic of gobbling up glass after glass of wine as soon as baby was fed and sleeping peacefully.. Yes I amped up my disease following each birth of the next two incredibly close births of my beautiful daughters.. Absolutely as they grew and life got real and I became more and more unsettled and overwhelmed, and the “treat” became A dependence.. Instead of ruminate in the shithole years I missed trying to escape the pain and fear of motherhood with drinking, and using I am feeling quite at peace.. It happened. It’s all part of my story. The reality now is, I cannot make up those past 9 years of mommyhood, or 20 some odd years of partygirlhood, but I can accept it.. Accept it all for what it was and what it’s shaped me into..
Perfection was the goal after bringing that first pink bundle of joy home all those years ago. I compared, loathed and medicated myself.. My marriage suffered my relationships my self esteem.. I blacked out, got hurt, hurt others, missed out and skipped out on life.. I know TODAY I don’t have to do that anymore.. I get to feel the feels, laugh genuinely, be present and recover.. I am here to just. Be. Me. Show these girls what life can be and what it doesn’t have to be for them.. I am allowed to cry and hurt and feel.. It seriously feels like I’m growing up right beside these precious little ladies and experience life..
Happy Mother’s Day Sober Lex.. Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours.. Hold on to life a little tighter, experience the sweet spots of reality.. Simply be today..