Slogans and sitting in shit. 

   The slogans and sayings around the tables of AA sometimes just straight up piss me off or make no sense to me.  Restless irritable and discontent. I’ve heard it over and over in meetings. I never once connected. .  

   Today it’s on repeat over and over in my head..  Must. Pull. Out. Tools.. getting out of my head seems impossible today.. I know sobriety is not all pink clouds and orgasims.. I understand completely that life sucks at times.. Nothing is perfect..  I certainly am not perfect. So I’ll sit.. breathe and meditate a bit.. 

I’m just unhappy. No matter I won’t drink..  I’m allowed to be sad… 

xo

Lex

Lex, You Glorious Wicked Tarnished Soul… 

So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises…  Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less…  She didn’t know any better … 

You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant.  Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..  

I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn.  You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..

Lovely I love you

Xo

Lex

You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

Day one Redux.. Take 89

I am not special. But I do deserve straight up sober happiness.. I deserve to take care of me, love me.. I do not need to loose myself any longer.. Not for other humans nor for the booze … 

I had convinced myself that I cannot get thru this family crisis bullshit drinking wine.. Wine makes me nuts.. Booze also makes me weird and sad and scary and straight up a shell of a person..  So I drank vodka.. So,desperate and sad and alone and not any more special or sad or tragic than anyone else.. 

I need to shut the fuck up and get thru tomo again without drinking. 

Today my last day one.. My bottom is feeling like if I don’t stop the cycle the days sober And then a night black out weirdo alone in the dark drinking it’s going to get worse and more frequent.. 

Do,you believe this is a disease that wants us dead?

Or am I just drinking to die or feel dead? 

With all I have to live for I choose life.. 

I’m terrified somehow..

Xo

Lex

Brain ranting.. 

Early morning coffee in the dark… I can’t help but be reminded how I feel on day 3..  I’m putting it out there on paper so to speak to perchance remove it from my brain..  Insomnia.. My body was so tired but I was constantly awakened by my brain… 

A Day 3 early morning rant/crazy removal.. 

“Over thinking, overwhelming… My house is cra overwhelming when I look around with sober eyes..  Guilt for not being as present as I can with the girls.. Im a horrendous care giver/wife, which is so insane.. How is a wife supposed to be when her husband has a chronic illness and she already is resentful and confused in our marriage and all the fucking drinking… Stay on track stay on track, no drinking.. None of this means isolate, get out there and connect with people.. No, bubble up.. Stay home, focused, excercize cook healthy meals self care.. Well that is isolation isn’t it?  Am I really an alcoholic? Or did I overindulge in recovery books and meetings and therapy and treatment and I am now brainwashed.. Dude, your an alcoholic or you wouldn’t have done any of these things… Right? Can’t I just reset all my ideas and begin as just Lex.. Not Alcoholic Lex, not Sober Lex, not Lex the Mom and wife.. Ugh.. Sleep.. I need sleep.. Or, should I get up and drink luxurious coffee in the peaceful dark.. Regroup and write.. That sounds good.. 

Day 2.. 1.2.16

The on and off agains are no longer workin… I’m not done here yet.  Regroup. Reorganize sober tool box.. Tell someone (other than hub who could give a fuck (a long story for another day)).. Insomnia, sick tummy.. Calm.. Exhausted..  Ready to have some fucking courage And gather up what I know works and leave the rest.. Reinvent myself within a wonky marriage.. Love my self again.. Slow and steady.  Fight the good fight.

Lex

(Yes I feel crazy)

My side of the street is disappointing.. 

I am vulnerable, wobbly, newly sober again.. I’ve been here done that.  I live in my own space I have created..  Me, my story.. It’s hard not to be completely and utterly disappointed again and again… I’m on day 5, bla bla bla.. I feel deep down completely done.. I no longer feel that booze has any part of my life.. It was no low bottom (this time) I’ve hit that already it hurts and it’s raw and real and embarrassing.. 

I am struggling disappointment.. In the past I’ve disappointed my mum as a teenager showing up late, slurring words and out of focus.. Or my husband who may have thought he’d get lucky or simply party the night away, but instead I saunter off in a black haze to pass out in bed.. I’ve disappointed clients and coworkers for not being able to show up and show out, or even fucking call…   I’ve disappointed my children by not being able to get off the couch to be social, or go play, or have a real conversation… 

Besides all that since I can remember I was disappointed in myself.. How totally fucked up is this? I can barely rember a moment that I was not harshly judging my actions, my job, my parenting skills, me… I have disappointed my self..  It hurts. I’m my worst critic, and I have fucked up so many times I cannot even think to count.  Especially when drinking is involved… But I slide thru the cracks.. I am forgiven. People love me, or are just stuck with me.. 

When it comes to this path to sobriety, when I put it out there and continually fuck up, slip, Relapse, test I am disappointed..  I feel like I’ve burnt bridges.. I do not belong in this beautiful cool group of sober people because the effort put in and the constant bullshit I put out is fucking exhausting..

I’m at a strange and uncomfortable scary place.. I’m scared of straying, loosing the lifelines… But seriously how many times can I do this and not just disgust and annoy the lovely wonderful sober inspirations?  I call. I show up to a random meeting.. People call to check in and I avoid calls and I hide and isolate and show up again another day… 

I should not care what people think of me.. I’d like to not care.. But what happens is the fog lifts and my feelings feel and I can see clearly and reflect on this roller coaster which is my truth, my story.. I’m head down tail between my legs.. My husband once said to me (I was “quitting” for the first time and I went to AA and called my mom and told her I’m a drunk (no surprise to her:))

“Now that you said it you can never go back”  he was drunk.. I was pissed, but he was right.. 

But what he also didn’t know is I don’t want to go back… At that time I was drinking 3 to 5 nights a week, 1 to 3 bottles of wine at a time and a vodka night cap… I never want to go back.. Now I get sober and stay sober and 3 nights or 3 weeks later I forget.. And you know the cycle.. Here I am..

I am throwing in the towel.. I have no more room in my life for booze.. But I have to get out of my head that I am a failure a hypocrite.. A fake..