I have a Confirmation Stamp in my head. 

Growing up whenever I’d accomplish something positive or do something to help others, my dad would remind me I had thousands more to go before I’d get thru the pearly gates of heaven. He’d say “Lex, that’s 9,468 more good deeds before you get to go see God.”,  Or some random number.  What a thing to say to a 15 year old girl who would spend 20 more years trying to please and help others desperately in order to feel some sort of self worth… But alas, he continued throughout time to remind me I was on the cusp of the underworld and my shitty behavior outweighed the good.. 

I actually believed it for many many years.  That is all the while knowing deep down inside I was actually a decent person filled with love and light.  I just was lost.. 

Today I get to sit with myself, 141 days into a clear headed recovery journey knowing I’ve had the LIGHT all along.. I don’t have to hear outside noise and opinions in order to feel worthy..  I get to work a program of recovery and share with likeminded people my experience and not feel judged or less than.  I get to work with a sponsor and dump out all my old ideals and with loving acceptance know in my hear the past does not define me.  I get to go to therapy and work on myself without guilt over putting me on top of the “Good Deed List” and know the difference between feelings and reality.. I get to be the REAL me, not constantly begging the universe to help me find a NEW ME.. 

As I trudge through life on life’s terms, and reveal life’s reality, I have a visualization that pops in my mind.. A confirmation stamp being placed on my heart and spirit.  It tells me that what I have been feeling was true all along.. When I want to say no, I get to say NO.  When I realize that something or someone has been wrong all along, I don’t fight it and stash it in the shit to deal with later.  My guts tell me the truth, and I get to revel in it.  

For years I knew deep in my heart things were not ok with me, but I continued to let others use me or hurt me without saying a word..  I would go along with the crowd as to not rock the boat even though I knew it was not right or good for me.. Today with sober eyes I see it’s not worth my serenity.  

Fuck the Good Deed List, Dad.  I’m actually doing great on my own and do not need to constantly give away my spirit in-order to get confirmation that I’m ok or going to heaven.  Deep in my guts doing the right thing, wether outwardly or internally I’m going to be ok.. 

Stamp..

Xo

Lex

100 day reflections 

Reflecting on my experience. 
So here’s the thing. I made it. Fair and square. No nuts no butts no coconuts. This time I’ve actually done this surrender thing and I’ve found that AA and any means possible are what got me to this day, and I only have today. I’ve been fighting a douchey monster since I can remember and the funny thing about it is it was me hating myself the whole fucking time.. I started out as a young girl trying to find normalcy in a world that was perfectly layer before me. A world that had to be just so or you were not OK.. My first drunk gave me such relief from that. I was 14 or 15 and I could talk to boys and be a fun loud confident girl with no regards for self respect or acting like a jerk.. I spent many years trying to replicate that moment. Many years I disappointed myself and others over and over. Yearning to feel ok in my skin, desperate for som sort of peace and confidence.. Nothing worked. Booze, boys, drugs, helping everyone with their shit, giving my soul away left and right.. Nothing worked, so I kept on.. Moving, twirling in speeds unhuman. I never stopped to sit in quiet. 

Pressing on thru my early 20s I could finally work, make money, go to bars, search for someone or something to love me.. I was desperate. Outside and in. I made horrific choices and most of which were in a black out white girl wasted fashion.. Again not stoping once to think it was me I was searching for.. I met this man at age 24 he was older, had life experience and was a father, told me everything I needed to hear.. I was hooked once again. His closeted skeletons meant nothing to me because I thought that sex and attention (good or bad) and false words and spending years and years trying to fix him would eventually fix me. I was broken.. I am unsure if I ever felt whole.. I gave him my all mixed in with Yeager Bombs and my body.. I got pregnant after 4 years of that selfish self hatred behavior.

My daughter, a wedding, a house.. This I figured was finally the answer to all of the nightmares.. She would now save me.. And two more stunning daughters to quickly follow I knew they would absolutely save me from myself.. I was dead wrong..

No matter who I gave my life and soul to I was still there.. And with that came a dark and twisty step up from party girl out drinking all the boys.. I would grab for wine now.. Not just a glass or so every now and then, that my love was not enough.. Bottles.. I would strive for out side perfection, continue to work tirelessly on fixing my alcoholic lying husband and after tucking in my small daughters I’d blot out the days with deathly amounts of booze… I was slowly but surely dying and decided I’d either wake one day and be saved or never wake up and everyone else would be saved..

3 years or so I found you. I started searching the sober cyber world.. Collected self help books. Fed my face and became a tired, overweight, shell of a woman. I couldn’t keep up with the outside so I gave up inside. I tried therapy, a quick stint in treatment, AA, lying, drinking more, smoking weed to stop the drinking until I fell dead in my tracks.. My husband who I’d been trying so hard to fix fell gravely ill and I had to give up on myself even more so, if that is possible. I put all my time and energy in his doctors, my daughters and at night I’d cry myself to sleep really hoping to not awake.. I soon found relief from his pain medications. Again not just one or two here and there, handfuls. I’d lie and do things that I had no clue I was capable of.. I’d steal hundreds of pills and blame it on some sort of home invasion.. I’d loose 100 pounds because I could no longer swallow due to stress and self hatred.. I would die ever so much more on a daily basis and learn to hate him and myself with each breath.. 

I was ready to give up. Just run away from my beautiful dear daughters and like my 13 year old self find a new place to go where no one knew me and start over.. 

September of 2016 was my worst. I told on myself not giving a fuck who I hurt or if I’d stop.. I ignored all signs of physical detox and suck in ounces of weed and handfuls of pills by day and bottle after bottle of wine at night.. I needed a way out.. 

I woke up one day deciding I would do all the pills and pot I’d had with a few drinks and a whole bottle of cold medicine. It is a blur that three days or so. I’m not going to live in that shame and guilt, but shit it was horrific… Somehow I called a detox hospital and begged my husband to help me and no longer support my addiction and needed up in a 10 day detox. As horrible as it was I knew I could no longer go back to the me that was. I now knew what surrender was. I begged for help because my addiction was trying so desperately to kill me.. My brain and body had changed, my soul was empty and either I listened to what everyone told me or it was all over.. I decided I must take extreme measures and leave my children and job and what was left of my world, and go to inpatient treatment, rehab. It would be the turning point in finding me. That peace I so desperately wrote about in journal after journal as a 10, 11, 12 year old girl? It was simply being given the gift to love myself. No guilt or selfishness about it, simply self love..

Who the fuck knew! Sounded simple, but my dear it was and is work. I returned home after 7 weeks and was like a foreign child trying to survive in a new, big, bright, beautiful scary world. I knew I wasn’t alone but felt so fucking alone. I relapsed. I convinced myself because it was not a drink or opiate I was still on my path. I quit my job and put my whole body time and energy into AA and recovery, wrapped up in my lie. 

I hit another deep dark twisty depression and wanted to give up once more, but somehow found it in myself to yell from the rooftops I NEED HELP I CANNOT DO YHIS MY WAY OR I WILL DIE! That was 100 days ago. I gave up and quit feeding the bad wolf. I started loving and nurturing the good one who wanted to live and breathe and sho my daughters what a brave warrior can do… 

I cannot fix anyone or anything. I cannot love anyone or anything unless I start with me.

I know that boasting or outing myself is only harmful because I only have this very moment, this day.. But putting my sobriety before all that I love insures me that today I can be the best version of me, the best mommy I can be… 

xo 

Lex

Slogans and sitting in shit. 

   The slogans and sayings around the tables of AA sometimes just straight up piss me off or make no sense to me.  Restless irritable and discontent. I’ve heard it over and over in meetings. I never once connected. .  

   Today it’s on repeat over and over in my head..  Must. Pull. Out. Tools.. getting out of my head seems impossible today.. I know sobriety is not all pink clouds and orgasims.. I understand completely that life sucks at times.. Nothing is perfect..  I certainly am not perfect. So I’ll sit.. breathe and meditate a bit.. 

I’m just unhappy. No matter I won’t drink..  I’m allowed to be sad… 

xo

Lex

Lex, You Glorious Wicked Tarnished Soul… 

So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises…  Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less…  She didn’t know any better … 

You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant.  Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..  

I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn.  You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..

Lovely I love you

Xo

Lex

You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

Brain ranting.. 

Early morning coffee in the dark… I can’t help but be reminded how I feel on day 3..  I’m putting it out there on paper so to speak to perchance remove it from my brain..  Insomnia.. My body was so tired but I was constantly awakened by my brain… 

A Day 3 early morning rant/crazy removal.. 

“Over thinking, overwhelming… My house is cra overwhelming when I look around with sober eyes..  Guilt for not being as present as I can with the girls.. Im a horrendous care giver/wife, which is so insane.. How is a wife supposed to be when her husband has a chronic illness and she already is resentful and confused in our marriage and all the fucking drinking… Stay on track stay on track, no drinking.. None of this means isolate, get out there and connect with people.. No, bubble up.. Stay home, focused, excercize cook healthy meals self care.. Well that is isolation isn’t it?  Am I really an alcoholic? Or did I overindulge in recovery books and meetings and therapy and treatment and I am now brainwashed.. Dude, your an alcoholic or you wouldn’t have done any of these things… Right? Can’t I just reset all my ideas and begin as just Lex.. Not Alcoholic Lex, not Sober Lex, not Lex the Mom and wife.. Ugh.. Sleep.. I need sleep.. Or, should I get up and drink luxurious coffee in the peaceful dark.. Regroup and write.. That sounds good.. 

Day 2.. 1.2.16

The on and off agains are no longer workin… I’m not done here yet.  Regroup. Reorganize sober tool box.. Tell someone (other than hub who could give a fuck (a long story for another day)).. Insomnia, sick tummy.. Calm.. Exhausted..  Ready to have some fucking courage And gather up what I know works and leave the rest.. Reinvent myself within a wonky marriage.. Love my self again.. Slow and steady.  Fight the good fight.

Lex

(Yes I feel crazy)

Days of grattitude and faking it. 

Today was today. Perfect and flawed and everything.. (Just as everything is everything).. I am struggling with insomnia, and the slightest uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my tummy as everything become more and more clear with each healing sober day..  I was up before 4 same as the evening before.. No matter… I read, caught up with sober cyber loves and drank delicious coffee as I watched the sunrise over the Midwestern Great Like I reside near..  Kids are in a long holiday from school and we had to hustle out the door so I could wrap up holiday madness at work..  We went to an indoor amazeballs play park and they ran off some energy and I sipped more coffe and read and worked on a few lists… I’m trying to keep,the holidays coming up simple and to the point.. An early dinner with hub and step son a quickie movie and now off to bed.. A sober day.. A day where I kept my back handed self talk at bay and gave Myself a little exra self love and care.. 

Be gentle with yourself your doing something that is not easy.. Your body is still tired and fragile and in need of good nutrients and hydration.. Sleep is so mandatory.. You actually took your melatonin and magnesium and told hub he may not enter the bedroom for at least 45 min.. 15 to write, 15 to read and 15 to meditate..  I want to remind you that the family function tomorrow at the OutLaws is not the holiday.. You and the girls are.. Do what you can and continue to rest and reflect and pray that resentments and anger just hang out when they visit, and leave shortly after.. Smile, and fake it if you have to.. You are good at it anyway.. Instead of dread tomo wake up with hope and wonder and fill in some new memory banks with a simple lovely day with your beautiful family.. You deserve easy, simple sobriety.. You deserve happiness and good old fashioned love.. 

I am Thankful for…

My 3 daughters

Sober mornings

Acceptance

The “Beaver” Full Moon tonight it is glorious.. 

A place to randomly put my thoughts into words and words into action

My cozy little home and all the necessities… 

A chance to be “The Real Me” 

Xo 

Lex

My side of the street is disappointing.. 

I am vulnerable, wobbly, newly sober again.. I’ve been here done that.  I live in my own space I have created..  Me, my story.. It’s hard not to be completely and utterly disappointed again and again… I’m on day 5, bla bla bla.. I feel deep down completely done.. I no longer feel that booze has any part of my life.. It was no low bottom (this time) I’ve hit that already it hurts and it’s raw and real and embarrassing.. 

I am struggling disappointment.. In the past I’ve disappointed my mum as a teenager showing up late, slurring words and out of focus.. Or my husband who may have thought he’d get lucky or simply party the night away, but instead I saunter off in a black haze to pass out in bed.. I’ve disappointed clients and coworkers for not being able to show up and show out, or even fucking call…   I’ve disappointed my children by not being able to get off the couch to be social, or go play, or have a real conversation… 

Besides all that since I can remember I was disappointed in myself.. How totally fucked up is this? I can barely rember a moment that I was not harshly judging my actions, my job, my parenting skills, me… I have disappointed my self..  It hurts. I’m my worst critic, and I have fucked up so many times I cannot even think to count.  Especially when drinking is involved… But I slide thru the cracks.. I am forgiven. People love me, or are just stuck with me.. 

When it comes to this path to sobriety, when I put it out there and continually fuck up, slip, Relapse, test I am disappointed..  I feel like I’ve burnt bridges.. I do not belong in this beautiful cool group of sober people because the effort put in and the constant bullshit I put out is fucking exhausting..

I’m at a strange and uncomfortable scary place.. I’m scared of straying, loosing the lifelines… But seriously how many times can I do this and not just disgust and annoy the lovely wonderful sober inspirations?  I call. I show up to a random meeting.. People call to check in and I avoid calls and I hide and isolate and show up again another day… 

I should not care what people think of me.. I’d like to not care.. But what happens is the fog lifts and my feelings feel and I can see clearly and reflect on this roller coaster which is my truth, my story.. I’m head down tail between my legs.. My husband once said to me (I was “quitting” for the first time and I went to AA and called my mom and told her I’m a drunk (no surprise to her:))

“Now that you said it you can never go back”  he was drunk.. I was pissed, but he was right.. 

But what he also didn’t know is I don’t want to go back… At that time I was drinking 3 to 5 nights a week, 1 to 3 bottles of wine at a time and a vodka night cap… I never want to go back.. Now I get sober and stay sober and 3 nights or 3 weeks later I forget.. And you know the cycle.. Here I am..

I am throwing in the towel.. I have no more room in my life for booze.. But I have to get out of my head that I am a failure a hypocrite.. A fake.. 

What works and what doesn’t.. 

I love writing lists.. Perfect time for a list of what works or not, for me and my fight to freedom..  There is a LOT going on at home for me, so putting me and my safety, sanity, and sobriety need to be put on the top of my list… Treating myself like I deserve to be treated.. 

Not working…..

Isolation.. From friends, family, sober friends, cyber sober culty friends, activities with kids and school functions..

An “I can do this on my own” attitude.. Duh

Allowing booze to constantly be brought into my home..   And than immediately feeling anger and resentment.. 

Not utilizing my sober tools.. Therapy, physical activity, sharing with others like me, eating when hungry, sleeping when tired, letting the overwhelm of my chaotic world run my mind… 

So I suppose if I think about it all paths and triggers for my next slip.. I’m stringing along days and than Bam! Well you see the pattern…  Me too.. 

Things that work..

As cheesy as I feel, Mindfulness.. If I practice my version of mindfulness and meditation daily I stay on track.. I remind myself to breathe in and out… Center and use love and compassion for myself and others.. This practice is newish to me and I see it part of my long lived recovery path.. Don’t know exactly how or why, but I feel like this is a big key to my inner peace I constantly try to force upon myself.. 

Utilizing a simple daily schedule.. I’m A.D.D. And have a tendency to be all over the place and my house and other daily tasks suffer a bit.. I need simplicity and a semi organized bubble.. Unfortunately I am responsible for getting my kids on hand to help and do a lot of it myself.. In early sobriety like today for example, I have to rest and heal and slowly get my mind and surroundings back to functioning.. I try to have a few simple chores and tasks to do daily so the overwhelm stays slightly at bay.. A load ofLaundry, a walk, plan simple healthy meals for my family, drink a great deal,of water (I actually check off ounces to stay hydrated)   And sleep at least 8 hours a day.. Simple but when I start slipping so does this, and it’s like a vicious cycle.. 

Yes, taking it a day at a time… Some days minute by minute, or only till bedtime.. 

Reaching out.. Asking for help.. 

Not beating my self up.. Loving my self enough… Just enough to not pour poison into my body.. 
I’m going to stop right now.. Over do it, over share.. I don’t know. Just a list for now.. 

Here’s to day two.. Got my walk in.. Had a healthy breakfast, shower.. Keeping it simple today.. #3 at home with a fever..  Movies and snuggles for us toady..