So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises… Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less… She didn’t know any better …
You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant. Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..
I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn. You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..
Lovely I love you
The on and off agains are no longer workin… I’m not done here yet. Regroup. Reorganize sober tool box.. Tell someone (other than hub who could give a fuck (a long story for another day)).. Insomnia, sick tummy.. Calm.. Exhausted.. Ready to have some fucking courage And gather up what I know works and leave the rest.. Reinvent myself within a wonky marriage.. Love my self again.. Slow and steady. Fight the good fight.
(Yes I feel crazy)
34 days sanz booze.. Not bad for a drunky pill poppin mama.. I am starting to get the butterflies in my tummy.. Why is this Lex??? Lets soul search for a bit.. I am bored.. How can you be bored?? You have 3 little girls, a house to run, a job to do bills to pay.. What could you possibly be missing.. Easy, attend more meetings, try to reach out and socialize, work on something that is fulfilling and fun, something that brings you joy.. Craft, read, get out side and walk, do yoga go to the gym anything to get out of your antsy addicted brain.. It seems so strange looking around with sober eyes at all that needs to be done.. Rephrase, all that I would like to accomplish.. this has a tendency to get me into overwhelming trouble, and seriously trying to scale back and be OK with hitting one fun thing and just being fucking sober should bring me contentment..
Being in treatment was a haven of sorts a place where recovery was all I worked on and thought about.. I felt myself trying not to rush it, but my do gooder self was rushing so I could get on with my life as a freshly sober person and conquer all things.. This Is not reality.. I cannot live in a treatment like sober bubble for life, but I am looking for some sort of balance.. I know that is what AA is to teach me.. I will pick up that Big Book and try to find a story or anything that speaks to me.. I will go to a meeting and listen and try to open my heart so the hole in my soul can grasp on to something..
I am exhausted.. When I was drinking I was three fold exhausted, now I am just tired.. My body aches, I am lonely and quite frankly sad.. This is all normal, or so I have read.. The pink cloud has lifted and reality for me just sucks.. Feeling feelings.. Facing reality.. Realizing the hurt I have caused myself and my husband.. It is apparent what alcoholism can do.. I am living proof.. I have been like this for so long that finding that new me is going to take slow and steady excavation.. Removing layers and layers of dark and dusty me and replacing it with shiny new sober me.. This is scary shit.. I am scared..
Holding on to fear makes things so much worse, so today I am going to acknowledge that fear and those feelings and say hello to them and let it happen.. Feelings are not facts, Right?? Facts are this: I am a recovering person.. I am learning how to be alone with my feelings and boredom and sadness. I believe there is something greater than me that will guide me to what and where.. So in the mean time I am just going to simply not drink..