You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

Who, love me? 

  

So I can sit here and write down all the details leading up to the “Out Loud and Incredibly in your face Real, Raw” relapse thing happening here to me but it would exert way way to much energy..  There is no more fucking around here.. I refuse to let this so called disease get the better of me… I will not be taken down by it or anything for that matter.. I have the power within myself to make it happen.. I’ve been there, and rehab and wrote a book on it.. I’m exhausted.. Drinking Makes me more so.. 

I woke up today and thought, “who the fuck do you think you are?”!  I looked at my reflection and realized there is such a lack of love here… Self love.. Not the kind that I look at myself and say, “wow your something else there lady”.. The kind of love that I am missing so deeply.. Love that fills my soul.. Love and care and peaceful thoughts… The part when I mentally beat myself up constantly about things out of my control, that part has to stop.. That leads to the drink.  And right now I hate the drink… 

After years and years of drinking bingeing on what ever when ever, here I decide to “moderate” with just a couple beers, no wine what so ever and maybe a vodka here and there… Well that shit does not work..  Alcohol Free works.. Sober.. There is now way in the world that I will be able to continue taking care of the girls my household, my job and unwell husband while “moderating”…  It is likely that I will self destruct.. I will loose everything.. I have already lost myself here..

So with that I am on day one and feel wonky and wobbly and shitty and ugly… I want to ball up in a corner and hide from the house full of my beautiful daughters and husband… I want like a beer or two to ward off the hangover… I won’t drink… I’m done drinking.. 

I cannot drink and love me.. I cannot drink and expect anything to change..  my happiness and wholeness are on the line here.. I drink, I die just a little bit more.. I don’t drink, I live a little more each moment..

I chose life..

I choose to not drink today, just till I go to bed… 

I choose self love and compassion..

Xo

Lex

If only I could love me like they all love me..

I am finding that the struggle with drinking continues..  I am completely full of shit and with out reason or purpose this weekend did a bit of a binge..  My husband bought his best pal Vodka back and Ive been twitching and achy for days with it in the cabinet.. I was on my way with AA.. Using my sponsor, hitting appropriate amounts of meetings, checking in with real live sober friends..  Reading, praying, meditation.. And here I sit on day  once again.. Back to the square of the fucking root of the center of my problem.. I want to love myself enough to say enough is fucking enough.. I have love in my life.. Very blessed with children, family, and friends who all love me..  I love them unequivocally.. Id give my heart and soul for my husband to end his suffering.. Id shave my head for my children to be happy forever..

I want to have “IT” the glimmer in my eye, the dust removed from my brain.. The simple fact is, Do Not Drink. Call before you pick up.. Keep the plug in the jug. Be fucking accountable, and get it together..

I have had glimpses into my future, whereas before I did not even believe I could find a new path.. I have been looking for a balance, peace, inner strength for so long to surface.. The key is in my hands.. 

Xo

Lex 

Dear Lex… It is your time..

Dear Lex,

You need to wake up daily and remember you are loved..  You are a worthy person who deserves love and kindness.. You actually shine.. Times are super tough for you right now and this shall pass.. So please be kind to yourself.  The love you need and deserve right now is self love and acceptance.. The fact that you are an alcoholic does not define you.. You happen to have a serious illness that must be treated and you have the power in your capable hands to do so.. Do not Give UP!!!  Give your self a fucking break.. You work hard and have 3 beautiful children and a lovely little cottage you call home and people that think the world of you.. These are things to hold near and appreciate.. Though this does not define you either.. What does you ask, dear Lex??? The fact that you are a fighter and a lover and smart and beautiful and kind and creative and damn good at your craft and a living breathing woman.. These are all things that just start to hit the definition of you.. You have so much more than this.. There are things that have yet to be uncovered because you have been numb and slightly drunk for a couple decades.. It is ok.. There is still time for you.. You are on a precious path to uncovering the definition of you…  Doesn’t this excite you??? You should be proud of yourself for showing up and giving your heart and soul kick this things ass.. You should be proud that you are doing something that others cant find the strength to do, or end up waiting until it is to late or become very ill or god for bid in jail..  Do not let this frighten you.. Let this give you the power to continue on this path.. Let the hole in your soul fill up with knowledge and spirit and grace and gifts from HP or other alcoholics or books or stories anything you can find to nourish your soul..  You need to nourish your mind, soul and body.. These things you have done at a minimal for some time.. You are such a giving soul.. You give your all to your family and your husband, the children that depend on you and your people at your work.. They may or may not see it our appreciate it, and this is OK… You now have permission to step back from this and take care of you like you would a 4 year old child.. I know that when you were small something clicked in your head that you had to take care of others.. This is an amazing  gift yet it has held you back dear sweet Lex.. From Loving and nurturing yourself..  Somewhere along the way you were not taught that you have to do this for yourself..  Do not blame anyone.. Not yourself or your parents.. It is what it is and that is OK..   But sweet wonderful you, it is time to relearn.. Do not let it be daunting.. Do not be scared.. You do not need to drink because it does not suit you any longer.. It works at that hole in the soul a little more each time you do.. Do you see???? Can you believe me?? Can you trust the process??? I know you can.. You are strong.. You are ready now..

My darling Lex.. This is your time.. It is going to be glorious.. You will fulfill dreams you have not even imagined.. Your daughters will look at you with eyes of wonder and pride.. This is the time..

I love you and cherish you and hope you nothing but well wonderful peaceful moments..  Do not forget to rest and feed yourself.. Do not feel bad if you have to say no, or go home early or give yourself a moment..

You deserve the world and the time is now..

Love always..

me..