Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t… I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will.. It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone.. I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..
Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy .. I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
It has been some time.. I am here. And there.. I am everywhere.. I am stuck in my head without relief and ma not making clear thoughts or decisions.. On a daily basis I am a functioning parent.. Drive so in so to and fro.. I make dinner and baths and listen to music.. I get to work a few hours a week and take care of people there.. I pick up prescriptions and make appointments for sick hubby.. I get to a couple meetings I call my sponsor.. I have sought out others “like” me in the sober cyber community.. I pray.. I pray more.. I sometimes even hit up church.. I go to therapy and talk and tell my truth.. I call sober friends and tell my truth.. Than when the going gets tough.. I hide.. I isolate.. I make like all is well and I am a shiny sober example of myself.. I hide behind the fact that I went to treatment and I keep fucking it up.. I get mad at myself.. I am resentful at my life, my husband.. I loose my grace and inspiration.. I drag thru the day, I fake smiles and slam cupboards and kick the sidewalks.. I act like a spoiled brat.. I drink.. I confess and start over again.. I wonder when people will be fed up with me.. So far after 20 some odd years of my 37 years of life they have not gotten fed up with me like I am of me.. I have a hole in my soul.. What the fuck am I doing??? Who am I now??? I thought I had the key.. I thought I knew the answer was to just not fucking drink.. I have so much to loose.. I have 3 littles depending on me.. On my strength and guidance.. But here I sit on yet another “I am on day one for the last fucking time” day..