Lex, You Glorious Wicked Tarnished Soul… 

So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises…  Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less…  She didn’t know any better … 

You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant.  Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..  

I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn.  You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..

Lovely I love you

Xo

Lex

My side of the street is disappointing.. 

I am vulnerable, wobbly, newly sober again.. I’ve been here done that.  I live in my own space I have created..  Me, my story.. It’s hard not to be completely and utterly disappointed again and again… I’m on day 5, bla bla bla.. I feel deep down completely done.. I no longer feel that booze has any part of my life.. It was no low bottom (this time) I’ve hit that already it hurts and it’s raw and real and embarrassing.. 

I am struggling disappointment.. In the past I’ve disappointed my mum as a teenager showing up late, slurring words and out of focus.. Or my husband who may have thought he’d get lucky or simply party the night away, but instead I saunter off in a black haze to pass out in bed.. I’ve disappointed clients and coworkers for not being able to show up and show out, or even fucking call…   I’ve disappointed my children by not being able to get off the couch to be social, or go play, or have a real conversation… 

Besides all that since I can remember I was disappointed in myself.. How totally fucked up is this? I can barely rember a moment that I was not harshly judging my actions, my job, my parenting skills, me… I have disappointed my self..  It hurts. I’m my worst critic, and I have fucked up so many times I cannot even think to count.  Especially when drinking is involved… But I slide thru the cracks.. I am forgiven. People love me, or are just stuck with me.. 

When it comes to this path to sobriety, when I put it out there and continually fuck up, slip, Relapse, test I am disappointed..  I feel like I’ve burnt bridges.. I do not belong in this beautiful cool group of sober people because the effort put in and the constant bullshit I put out is fucking exhausting..

I’m at a strange and uncomfortable scary place.. I’m scared of straying, loosing the lifelines… But seriously how many times can I do this and not just disgust and annoy the lovely wonderful sober inspirations?  I call. I show up to a random meeting.. People call to check in and I avoid calls and I hide and isolate and show up again another day… 

I should not care what people think of me.. I’d like to not care.. But what happens is the fog lifts and my feelings feel and I can see clearly and reflect on this roller coaster which is my truth, my story.. I’m head down tail between my legs.. My husband once said to me (I was “quitting” for the first time and I went to AA and called my mom and told her I’m a drunk (no surprise to her:))

“Now that you said it you can never go back”  he was drunk.. I was pissed, but he was right.. 

But what he also didn’t know is I don’t want to go back… At that time I was drinking 3 to 5 nights a week, 1 to 3 bottles of wine at a time and a vodka night cap… I never want to go back.. Now I get sober and stay sober and 3 nights or 3 weeks later I forget.. And you know the cycle.. Here I am..

I am throwing in the towel.. I have no more room in my life for booze.. But I have to get out of my head that I am a failure a hypocrite.. A fake.. 

What works and what doesn’t.. 

I love writing lists.. Perfect time for a list of what works or not, for me and my fight to freedom..  There is a LOT going on at home for me, so putting me and my safety, sanity, and sobriety need to be put on the top of my list… Treating myself like I deserve to be treated.. 

Not working…..

Isolation.. From friends, family, sober friends, cyber sober culty friends, activities with kids and school functions..

An “I can do this on my own” attitude.. Duh

Allowing booze to constantly be brought into my home..   And than immediately feeling anger and resentment.. 

Not utilizing my sober tools.. Therapy, physical activity, sharing with others like me, eating when hungry, sleeping when tired, letting the overwhelm of my chaotic world run my mind… 

So I suppose if I think about it all paths and triggers for my next slip.. I’m stringing along days and than Bam! Well you see the pattern…  Me too.. 

Things that work..

As cheesy as I feel, Mindfulness.. If I practice my version of mindfulness and meditation daily I stay on track.. I remind myself to breathe in and out… Center and use love and compassion for myself and others.. This practice is newish to me and I see it part of my long lived recovery path.. Don’t know exactly how or why, but I feel like this is a big key to my inner peace I constantly try to force upon myself.. 

Utilizing a simple daily schedule.. I’m A.D.D. And have a tendency to be all over the place and my house and other daily tasks suffer a bit.. I need simplicity and a semi organized bubble.. Unfortunately I am responsible for getting my kids on hand to help and do a lot of it myself.. In early sobriety like today for example, I have to rest and heal and slowly get my mind and surroundings back to functioning.. I try to have a few simple chores and tasks to do daily so the overwhelm stays slightly at bay.. A load ofLaundry, a walk, plan simple healthy meals for my family, drink a great deal,of water (I actually check off ounces to stay hydrated)   And sleep at least 8 hours a day.. Simple but when I start slipping so does this, and it’s like a vicious cycle.. 

Yes, taking it a day at a time… Some days minute by minute, or only till bedtime.. 

Reaching out.. Asking for help.. 

Not beating my self up.. Loving my self enough… Just enough to not pour poison into my body.. 
I’m going to stop right now.. Over do it, over share.. I don’t know. Just a list for now.. 

Here’s to day two.. Got my walk in.. Had a healthy breakfast, shower.. Keeping it simple today.. #3 at home with a fever..  Movies and snuggles for us toady.. 

Who, love me? 

  

So I can sit here and write down all the details leading up to the “Out Loud and Incredibly in your face Real, Raw” relapse thing happening here to me but it would exert way way to much energy..  There is no more fucking around here.. I refuse to let this so called disease get the better of me… I will not be taken down by it or anything for that matter.. I have the power within myself to make it happen.. I’ve been there, and rehab and wrote a book on it.. I’m exhausted.. Drinking Makes me more so.. 

I woke up today and thought, “who the fuck do you think you are?”!  I looked at my reflection and realized there is such a lack of love here… Self love.. Not the kind that I look at myself and say, “wow your something else there lady”.. The kind of love that I am missing so deeply.. Love that fills my soul.. Love and care and peaceful thoughts… The part when I mentally beat myself up constantly about things out of my control, that part has to stop.. That leads to the drink.  And right now I hate the drink… 

After years and years of drinking bingeing on what ever when ever, here I decide to “moderate” with just a couple beers, no wine what so ever and maybe a vodka here and there… Well that shit does not work..  Alcohol Free works.. Sober.. There is now way in the world that I will be able to continue taking care of the girls my household, my job and unwell husband while “moderating”…  It is likely that I will self destruct.. I will loose everything.. I have already lost myself here..

So with that I am on day one and feel wonky and wobbly and shitty and ugly… I want to ball up in a corner and hide from the house full of my beautiful daughters and husband… I want like a beer or two to ward off the hangover… I won’t drink… I’m done drinking.. 

I cannot drink and love me.. I cannot drink and expect anything to change..  my happiness and wholeness are on the line here.. I drink, I die just a little bit more.. I don’t drink, I live a little more each moment..

I chose life..

I choose to not drink today, just till I go to bed… 

I choose self love and compassion..

Xo

Lex

Dear Lex… It is your time..

Dear Lex,

You need to wake up daily and remember you are loved..  You are a worthy person who deserves love and kindness.. You actually shine.. Times are super tough for you right now and this shall pass.. So please be kind to yourself.  The love you need and deserve right now is self love and acceptance.. The fact that you are an alcoholic does not define you.. You happen to have a serious illness that must be treated and you have the power in your capable hands to do so.. Do not Give UP!!!  Give your self a fucking break.. You work hard and have 3 beautiful children and a lovely little cottage you call home and people that think the world of you.. These are things to hold near and appreciate.. Though this does not define you either.. What does you ask, dear Lex??? The fact that you are a fighter and a lover and smart and beautiful and kind and creative and damn good at your craft and a living breathing woman.. These are all things that just start to hit the definition of you.. You have so much more than this.. There are things that have yet to be uncovered because you have been numb and slightly drunk for a couple decades.. It is ok.. There is still time for you.. You are on a precious path to uncovering the definition of you…  Doesn’t this excite you??? You should be proud of yourself for showing up and giving your heart and soul kick this things ass.. You should be proud that you are doing something that others cant find the strength to do, or end up waiting until it is to late or become very ill or god for bid in jail..  Do not let this frighten you.. Let this give you the power to continue on this path.. Let the hole in your soul fill up with knowledge and spirit and grace and gifts from HP or other alcoholics or books or stories anything you can find to nourish your soul..  You need to nourish your mind, soul and body.. These things you have done at a minimal for some time.. You are such a giving soul.. You give your all to your family and your husband, the children that depend on you and your people at your work.. They may or may not see it our appreciate it, and this is OK… You now have permission to step back from this and take care of you like you would a 4 year old child.. I know that when you were small something clicked in your head that you had to take care of others.. This is an amazing  gift yet it has held you back dear sweet Lex.. From Loving and nurturing yourself..  Somewhere along the way you were not taught that you have to do this for yourself..  Do not blame anyone.. Not yourself or your parents.. It is what it is and that is OK..   But sweet wonderful you, it is time to relearn.. Do not let it be daunting.. Do not be scared.. You do not need to drink because it does not suit you any longer.. It works at that hole in the soul a little more each time you do.. Do you see???? Can you believe me?? Can you trust the process??? I know you can.. You are strong.. You are ready now..

My darling Lex.. This is your time.. It is going to be glorious.. You will fulfill dreams you have not even imagined.. Your daughters will look at you with eyes of wonder and pride.. This is the time..

I love you and cherish you and hope you nothing but well wonderful peaceful moments..  Do not forget to rest and feed yourself.. Do not feel bad if you have to say no, or go home early or give yourself a moment..

You deserve the world and the time is now..

Love always..

me..