You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

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My side of the street is disappointing.. 

I am vulnerable, wobbly, newly sober again.. I’ve been here done that.  I live in my own space I have created..  Me, my story.. It’s hard not to be completely and utterly disappointed again and again… I’m on day 5, bla bla bla.. I feel deep down completely done.. I no longer feel that booze has any part of my life.. It was no low bottom (this time) I’ve hit that already it hurts and it’s raw and real and embarrassing.. 

I am struggling disappointment.. In the past I’ve disappointed my mum as a teenager showing up late, slurring words and out of focus.. Or my husband who may have thought he’d get lucky or simply party the night away, but instead I saunter off in a black haze to pass out in bed.. I’ve disappointed clients and coworkers for not being able to show up and show out, or even fucking call…   I’ve disappointed my children by not being able to get off the couch to be social, or go play, or have a real conversation… 

Besides all that since I can remember I was disappointed in myself.. How totally fucked up is this? I can barely rember a moment that I was not harshly judging my actions, my job, my parenting skills, me… I have disappointed my self..  It hurts. I’m my worst critic, and I have fucked up so many times I cannot even think to count.  Especially when drinking is involved… But I slide thru the cracks.. I am forgiven. People love me, or are just stuck with me.. 

When it comes to this path to sobriety, when I put it out there and continually fuck up, slip, Relapse, test I am disappointed..  I feel like I’ve burnt bridges.. I do not belong in this beautiful cool group of sober people because the effort put in and the constant bullshit I put out is fucking exhausting..

I’m at a strange and uncomfortable scary place.. I’m scared of straying, loosing the lifelines… But seriously how many times can I do this and not just disgust and annoy the lovely wonderful sober inspirations?  I call. I show up to a random meeting.. People call to check in and I avoid calls and I hide and isolate and show up again another day… 

I should not care what people think of me.. I’d like to not care.. But what happens is the fog lifts and my feelings feel and I can see clearly and reflect on this roller coaster which is my truth, my story.. I’m head down tail between my legs.. My husband once said to me (I was “quitting” for the first time and I went to AA and called my mom and told her I’m a drunk (no surprise to her:))

“Now that you said it you can never go back”  he was drunk.. I was pissed, but he was right.. 

But what he also didn’t know is I don’t want to go back… At that time I was drinking 3 to 5 nights a week, 1 to 3 bottles of wine at a time and a vodka night cap… I never want to go back.. Now I get sober and stay sober and 3 nights or 3 weeks later I forget.. And you know the cycle.. Here I am..

I am throwing in the towel.. I have no more room in my life for booze.. But I have to get out of my head that I am a failure a hypocrite.. A fake.. 

Compassion.. Do I have this? 

I may not always leave notes here, but I’m often reading others.. I have been really thinking about what to write the past little while, and I came across a journal from 13 years ago.. I have journals dating back to at least 87?.?.?.?.  Anyhoo..  I started reading the entries, and I can hardly remember the time.. Newly, deeply in love (with now hub), Very torn, lost, hurting.. A straight up mess if I do say so myself.. Each page or so I’d be organizing and setting clean healthy goals for myself. Setting up time lines to accomplish a list of dreams… Than the other few pages in between we’re all about despair and fear and dieting to clean myself up and take a hold of my life… I was in a deep dark twisty tornado… Scared of my drinking and the spirals it took me on.. Unsure of this new man with his own deep and twisty baggage… 

I couldn’t bear to read the whole thing in one sitting..  So I’ve dug deep into the cobwebs in my memory and pushed thru the years cocktail induced dank memory and tried to place myself back there.. I feel the hurt and despair she did… I have so many things on my never ending list-o-dreams… It’s a very sad and lonely place and I feel compassion for her.. I want to hug her and tell her it will be ok.. Just really think about removing the booze from your life.. Right now, ok? 

Seriously.. I know I cannot go back and change time.  I am just saying for the first time maybe, ever I felt a smack of compassion.. Which spills into present day.. Without to many specifics, I am realizing that compassion is a huge deal for me right now, and I feel it and get it and understand why it is going to be more of a daily practice for me… 

 There are some thought things happening in my life right now.. This is a fact.. This is just life right now.. It’s a mess and chaotic and bal bla bla…  But it’s mine.. I am sober.. I have my 3 loves and a roof and people who love me.. I’m so sorry for the hurt that comes along with the shit, but can see there’s clarity on the horizon.. 

Who, love me? 

  

So I can sit here and write down all the details leading up to the “Out Loud and Incredibly in your face Real, Raw” relapse thing happening here to me but it would exert way way to much energy..  There is no more fucking around here.. I refuse to let this so called disease get the better of me… I will not be taken down by it or anything for that matter.. I have the power within myself to make it happen.. I’ve been there, and rehab and wrote a book on it.. I’m exhausted.. Drinking Makes me more so.. 

I woke up today and thought, “who the fuck do you think you are?”!  I looked at my reflection and realized there is such a lack of love here… Self love.. Not the kind that I look at myself and say, “wow your something else there lady”.. The kind of love that I am missing so deeply.. Love that fills my soul.. Love and care and peaceful thoughts… The part when I mentally beat myself up constantly about things out of my control, that part has to stop.. That leads to the drink.  And right now I hate the drink… 

After years and years of drinking bingeing on what ever when ever, here I decide to “moderate” with just a couple beers, no wine what so ever and maybe a vodka here and there… Well that shit does not work..  Alcohol Free works.. Sober.. There is now way in the world that I will be able to continue taking care of the girls my household, my job and unwell husband while “moderating”…  It is likely that I will self destruct.. I will loose everything.. I have already lost myself here..

So with that I am on day one and feel wonky and wobbly and shitty and ugly… I want to ball up in a corner and hide from the house full of my beautiful daughters and husband… I want like a beer or two to ward off the hangover… I won’t drink… I’m done drinking.. 

I cannot drink and love me.. I cannot drink and expect anything to change..  my happiness and wholeness are on the line here.. I drink, I die just a little bit more.. I don’t drink, I live a little more each moment..

I chose life..

I choose to not drink today, just till I go to bed… 

I choose self love and compassion..

Xo

Lex

so so sobriety….

Summer has flown by.. I know it is not over but I feel as if im in a time warp.. A bit of a Groundhogs day if you will.. Up early, coffee, coffee, coffee, littles arise, husband sleeps, husband drinks, eat, house hold chores, kids, feed them again.. It is redundant.. This is fine.. I am really focusing on the girls, my health and sleep.. And than BaM! I drink.. and Fuck it is truly brain shattering.. Than, rest, self care, kids, coffee, husband sleeps, husband drinks, kids, coffee, feed them every 3 fucking hours, sleep, read, insomnia… There are many more sober redundant days.. Believe me everything works better that way..  Super obvious that I have isolated, fallen into a dark alone place.. I have done this I blame all of it on me.. I have to be gentle with myself though.. The bull shit guilt and same that booze has on me.. The quasi brain washiness of AA fucks with my psyche..

I have had to step up my parenting and keep my shit together more now than I ever have.. I have a very ill hub, 3 amazing children who drive me nuts and complete me all at the same time.. There is this creepy darkness that pulls me every once in a while that I am learning about, getting to know.. Some may call this my “Disease” “Wolfie” “Trixie”, I call it the part of me that I love and hate at the same time, my Best friend and Worst Enemy…. She is going away slowly but surely.. I am growing and gathering tools and precious information about giving myself the life and love that will be freeing and real..  3 years ago I couldn’t imagine how many lessons I would learn, and amazing cyber sober friends as well as in real life..  I was ashamed, and so broken.. I was so scared.. Now the fear is dissolving.. I am replacing it with hope..

Things that I am learning…  1)I am not a super human.. I am just a human.. I am a slightly broken human, but I have the power to change that.. I will never forget where I come from and all I have endured, but I will arise.. 2)I have to ask for help or I crumble under the pressure and overwhelm..  3)People care about me, I have to learn from them and care about myself and give me extra love…   4)I deserve happiness and sobriety…. 5)This shit is hard…

A day in the life of not making sense

In order to have a moment alone, I must go to bed early, or wake up hours before everyone else.. I am never without a child near my side, a husband to tend to or a client to take care of.. That is some sad shit.. Finding the time for me is key to my sobriety.. Husband is still very unwell and weak, and thru these past 9 months I am finding out who I am.  It’s been stressful and frightening, and real.. I have stepped up to the plate and I’m raising my daughters alone and running my household and even fixing shit.. I can see how codependent and twisty my relationship has made me, even before the illness.. We are both alcoholics, only I can admit to it.. I feel I have rotted inside also a bit.. Like the sadness, and resentment, and holding in truths.. All are there but maybe not as rotten as before… I believe the booze aids in the destruction.. These aches and pains feed off the booze.. It turns my brain into a deep desperate lonely place..  I have more sober days than not, which is promising… I have canceled my therapy appointments, which is no good what so ever.. I have avoided a plethora of phone calls from dear hearted AA folks, skipped calling my sponsor and close friends from treatment for about three weeks now, fucked up Lex! I’m letting the exhausting overwhelming bullshit of Wolfie take hold of me.. I am not in the middle of my sobriety huddle.. You know, where people will love you until you can love yourself.. I got back from a 13 day holiday and can barely get myself to unpack, put shit away or stay home for any amount of time to take care of any house hold duty.. 

To find a balance, I am lost right now.. Am I being a whiney bitch? I should shut the fuck up and get over it., people have it far worse than I do.. 

If only I could love me like they all love me..

I am finding that the struggle with drinking continues..  I am completely full of shit and with out reason or purpose this weekend did a bit of a binge..  My husband bought his best pal Vodka back and Ive been twitching and achy for days with it in the cabinet.. I was on my way with AA.. Using my sponsor, hitting appropriate amounts of meetings, checking in with real live sober friends..  Reading, praying, meditation.. And here I sit on day  once again.. Back to the square of the fucking root of the center of my problem.. I want to love myself enough to say enough is fucking enough.. I have love in my life.. Very blessed with children, family, and friends who all love me..  I love them unequivocally.. Id give my heart and soul for my husband to end his suffering.. Id shave my head for my children to be happy forever..

I want to have “IT” the glimmer in my eye, the dust removed from my brain.. The simple fact is, Do Not Drink. Call before you pick up.. Keep the plug in the jug. Be fucking accountable, and get it together..

I have had glimpses into my future, whereas before I did not even believe I could find a new path.. I have been looking for a balance, peace, inner strength for so long to surface.. The key is in my hands.. 

Xo

Lex 

Dear Lex… It is your time..

Dear Lex,

You need to wake up daily and remember you are loved..  You are a worthy person who deserves love and kindness.. You actually shine.. Times are super tough for you right now and this shall pass.. So please be kind to yourself.  The love you need and deserve right now is self love and acceptance.. The fact that you are an alcoholic does not define you.. You happen to have a serious illness that must be treated and you have the power in your capable hands to do so.. Do not Give UP!!!  Give your self a fucking break.. You work hard and have 3 beautiful children and a lovely little cottage you call home and people that think the world of you.. These are things to hold near and appreciate.. Though this does not define you either.. What does you ask, dear Lex??? The fact that you are a fighter and a lover and smart and beautiful and kind and creative and damn good at your craft and a living breathing woman.. These are all things that just start to hit the definition of you.. You have so much more than this.. There are things that have yet to be uncovered because you have been numb and slightly drunk for a couple decades.. It is ok.. There is still time for you.. You are on a precious path to uncovering the definition of you…  Doesn’t this excite you??? You should be proud of yourself for showing up and giving your heart and soul kick this things ass.. You should be proud that you are doing something that others cant find the strength to do, or end up waiting until it is to late or become very ill or god for bid in jail..  Do not let this frighten you.. Let this give you the power to continue on this path.. Let the hole in your soul fill up with knowledge and spirit and grace and gifts from HP or other alcoholics or books or stories anything you can find to nourish your soul..  You need to nourish your mind, soul and body.. These things you have done at a minimal for some time.. You are such a giving soul.. You give your all to your family and your husband, the children that depend on you and your people at your work.. They may or may not see it our appreciate it, and this is OK… You now have permission to step back from this and take care of you like you would a 4 year old child.. I know that when you were small something clicked in your head that you had to take care of others.. This is an amazing  gift yet it has held you back dear sweet Lex.. From Loving and nurturing yourself..  Somewhere along the way you were not taught that you have to do this for yourself..  Do not blame anyone.. Not yourself or your parents.. It is what it is and that is OK..   But sweet wonderful you, it is time to relearn.. Do not let it be daunting.. Do not be scared.. You do not need to drink because it does not suit you any longer.. It works at that hole in the soul a little more each time you do.. Do you see???? Can you believe me?? Can you trust the process??? I know you can.. You are strong.. You are ready now..

My darling Lex.. This is your time.. It is going to be glorious.. You will fulfill dreams you have not even imagined.. Your daughters will look at you with eyes of wonder and pride.. This is the time..

I love you and cherish you and hope you nothing but well wonderful peaceful moments..  Do not forget to rest and feed yourself.. Do not feel bad if you have to say no, or go home early or give yourself a moment..

You deserve the world and the time is now..

Love always..

me..

Things could be worse.. A mantra for today..

When I originally found out that husband had become gravely ill, I’m not going to lie, I thought it was from his drinking.. I was terrified. Mortified. Embarrassed that if it came back to the 1.75 ltr every 3 days of vodka how would we explain it to anyone.. Seriously.. But the funny part is, I was forgetting that I was on a terrible path myself.. One of sober 3 days, drunk 7… Sober 28 days, drunk 16.. On and on like this for the past 2 years, or has it been three? Well regardless it’s the past two or three that I have looked really hard at my drinking habits and realized for at least 20 of my 37 years I have been an addict of some sort and a full blown alcoholic for the past 8 or 9…
So going back to sick husband and everything going down the way it did was a terrible mind fuck.. I don’t bring up “him” or “us” all too often due to the age old belief to “keep your eyes on your own paper”… Also the fact that he not 100% on board with me claiming I am an alcoholic due to his own shit… This is honesty.. As I type this, as I have similar posts, I have the urge to delete or save for another moment.. But right now is my time to be fucking open honest and willing.. I am here, and in the rooms, and in treatment to get real.. I am a real person.. So having a marriage that went from me resenting his drinking and me desperately trying to be sober to him being ill and me desperately trying to be sober is straight up FACT.. This is my struggle.. The stress and real ness of having 3 Littles and a sick man and a home and job to all take care of are my truths..
And my hopes and dreams are that I can come out on top dong hard fucking shit…. Sober.. And at peace with me and how I have handled the hardest year of our fucking life…
I can handle only what I can handle and HP will do the rest..
For today I choose not to drink…
For today I know it could be worse..
Xo
Lex

Checking in and rambling..

It has been some time.. I am here. And there.. I am everywhere.. I am stuck in my head without relief and ma not making clear thoughts or decisions..   On a daily basis I am a functioning parent.. Drive so in so to and fro.. I make dinner and baths and listen to music.. I get to work a few hours a week and take care of people there.. I pick up prescriptions and make appointments for sick hubby.. I get to a couple meetings I call my sponsor.. I have sought out others “like” me in the sober cyber community.. I pray.. I pray more.. I sometimes even hit up church.. I go to therapy and talk and tell my truth.. I call sober friends and tell my truth.. Than when the going gets tough.. I hide.. I isolate.. I make like all is well and I am a shiny sober example of myself.. I hide behind the fact that I went to treatment and I keep fucking it up.. I get mad at myself.. I am resentful at my life, my husband.. I loose my grace and inspiration..  I drag thru the day, I fake smiles and slam cupboards and kick the sidewalks.. I act like a spoiled brat.. I drink.. I confess and start over again.. I wonder when people will be fed up with me.. So far after 20 some odd years of my 37 years of life they have not gotten fed up with me like I am of me.. I have a hole in my soul.. What the fuck am I doing??? Who am I now??? I thought I had the key.. I thought I knew the answer was to just not fucking drink.. I have so much to loose.. I have 3 littles depending on me.. On my strength and guidance.. But here I sit on yet another “I am on day one for the last fucking time” day..