Lex, You Glorious Wicked Tarnished Soul… 

So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises…  Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less…  She didn’t know any better … 

You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant.  Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..  

I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn.  You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..

Lovely I love you

Xo

Lex

What works and what doesn’t.. 

I love writing lists.. Perfect time for a list of what works or not, for me and my fight to freedom..  There is a LOT going on at home for me, so putting me and my safety, sanity, and sobriety need to be put on the top of my list… Treating myself like I deserve to be treated.. 

Not working…..

Isolation.. From friends, family, sober friends, cyber sober culty friends, activities with kids and school functions..

An “I can do this on my own” attitude.. Duh

Allowing booze to constantly be brought into my home..   And than immediately feeling anger and resentment.. 

Not utilizing my sober tools.. Therapy, physical activity, sharing with others like me, eating when hungry, sleeping when tired, letting the overwhelm of my chaotic world run my mind… 

So I suppose if I think about it all paths and triggers for my next slip.. I’m stringing along days and than Bam! Well you see the pattern…  Me too.. 

Things that work..

As cheesy as I feel, Mindfulness.. If I practice my version of mindfulness and meditation daily I stay on track.. I remind myself to breathe in and out… Center and use love and compassion for myself and others.. This practice is newish to me and I see it part of my long lived recovery path.. Don’t know exactly how or why, but I feel like this is a big key to my inner peace I constantly try to force upon myself.. 

Utilizing a simple daily schedule.. I’m A.D.D. And have a tendency to be all over the place and my house and other daily tasks suffer a bit.. I need simplicity and a semi organized bubble.. Unfortunately I am responsible for getting my kids on hand to help and do a lot of it myself.. In early sobriety like today for example, I have to rest and heal and slowly get my mind and surroundings back to functioning.. I try to have a few simple chores and tasks to do daily so the overwhelm stays slightly at bay.. A load ofLaundry, a walk, plan simple healthy meals for my family, drink a great deal,of water (I actually check off ounces to stay hydrated)   And sleep at least 8 hours a day.. Simple but when I start slipping so does this, and it’s like a vicious cycle.. 

Yes, taking it a day at a time… Some days minute by minute, or only till bedtime.. 

Reaching out.. Asking for help.. 

Not beating my self up.. Loving my self enough… Just enough to not pour poison into my body.. 
I’m going to stop right now.. Over do it, over share.. I don’t know. Just a list for now.. 

Here’s to day two.. Got my walk in.. Had a healthy breakfast, shower.. Keeping it simple today.. #3 at home with a fever..  Movies and snuggles for us toady.. 

Dear Lex… It is your time..

Dear Lex,

You need to wake up daily and remember you are loved..  You are a worthy person who deserves love and kindness.. You actually shine.. Times are super tough for you right now and this shall pass.. So please be kind to yourself.  The love you need and deserve right now is self love and acceptance.. The fact that you are an alcoholic does not define you.. You happen to have a serious illness that must be treated and you have the power in your capable hands to do so.. Do not Give UP!!!  Give your self a fucking break.. You work hard and have 3 beautiful children and a lovely little cottage you call home and people that think the world of you.. These are things to hold near and appreciate.. Though this does not define you either.. What does you ask, dear Lex??? The fact that you are a fighter and a lover and smart and beautiful and kind and creative and damn good at your craft and a living breathing woman.. These are all things that just start to hit the definition of you.. You have so much more than this.. There are things that have yet to be uncovered because you have been numb and slightly drunk for a couple decades.. It is ok.. There is still time for you.. You are on a precious path to uncovering the definition of you…  Doesn’t this excite you??? You should be proud of yourself for showing up and giving your heart and soul kick this things ass.. You should be proud that you are doing something that others cant find the strength to do, or end up waiting until it is to late or become very ill or god for bid in jail..  Do not let this frighten you.. Let this give you the power to continue on this path.. Let the hole in your soul fill up with knowledge and spirit and grace and gifts from HP or other alcoholics or books or stories anything you can find to nourish your soul..  You need to nourish your mind, soul and body.. These things you have done at a minimal for some time.. You are such a giving soul.. You give your all to your family and your husband, the children that depend on you and your people at your work.. They may or may not see it our appreciate it, and this is OK… You now have permission to step back from this and take care of you like you would a 4 year old child.. I know that when you were small something clicked in your head that you had to take care of others.. This is an amazing  gift yet it has held you back dear sweet Lex.. From Loving and nurturing yourself..  Somewhere along the way you were not taught that you have to do this for yourself..  Do not blame anyone.. Not yourself or your parents.. It is what it is and that is OK..   But sweet wonderful you, it is time to relearn.. Do not let it be daunting.. Do not be scared.. You do not need to drink because it does not suit you any longer.. It works at that hole in the soul a little more each time you do.. Do you see???? Can you believe me?? Can you trust the process??? I know you can.. You are strong.. You are ready now..

My darling Lex.. This is your time.. It is going to be glorious.. You will fulfill dreams you have not even imagined.. Your daughters will look at you with eyes of wonder and pride.. This is the time..

I love you and cherish you and hope you nothing but well wonderful peaceful moments..  Do not forget to rest and feed yourself.. Do not feel bad if you have to say no, or go home early or give yourself a moment..

You deserve the world and the time is now..

Love always..

me..