You are dope as fuck.. ya know that? 

Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t…  I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will..  It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone..  I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..

Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy ..  I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
XoxxoX

Lex

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Compassion.. Do I have this? 

I may not always leave notes here, but I’m often reading others.. I have been really thinking about what to write the past little while, and I came across a journal from 13 years ago.. I have journals dating back to at least 87?.?.?.?.  Anyhoo..  I started reading the entries, and I can hardly remember the time.. Newly, deeply in love (with now hub), Very torn, lost, hurting.. A straight up mess if I do say so myself.. Each page or so I’d be organizing and setting clean healthy goals for myself. Setting up time lines to accomplish a list of dreams… Than the other few pages in between we’re all about despair and fear and dieting to clean myself up and take a hold of my life… I was in a deep dark twisty tornado… Scared of my drinking and the spirals it took me on.. Unsure of this new man with his own deep and twisty baggage… 

I couldn’t bear to read the whole thing in one sitting..  So I’ve dug deep into the cobwebs in my memory and pushed thru the years cocktail induced dank memory and tried to place myself back there.. I feel the hurt and despair she did… I have so many things on my never ending list-o-dreams… It’s a very sad and lonely place and I feel compassion for her.. I want to hug her and tell her it will be ok.. Just really think about removing the booze from your life.. Right now, ok? 

Seriously.. I know I cannot go back and change time.  I am just saying for the first time maybe, ever I felt a smack of compassion.. Which spills into present day.. Without to many specifics, I am realizing that compassion is a huge deal for me right now, and I feel it and get it and understand why it is going to be more of a daily practice for me… 

 There are some thought things happening in my life right now.. This is a fact.. This is just life right now.. It’s a mess and chaotic and bal bla bla…  But it’s mine.. I am sober.. I have my 3 loves and a roof and people who love me.. I’m so sorry for the hurt that comes along with the shit, but can see there’s clarity on the horizon.. 

Who, love me? 

  

So I can sit here and write down all the details leading up to the “Out Loud and Incredibly in your face Real, Raw” relapse thing happening here to me but it would exert way way to much energy..  There is no more fucking around here.. I refuse to let this so called disease get the better of me… I will not be taken down by it or anything for that matter.. I have the power within myself to make it happen.. I’ve been there, and rehab and wrote a book on it.. I’m exhausted.. Drinking Makes me more so.. 

I woke up today and thought, “who the fuck do you think you are?”!  I looked at my reflection and realized there is such a lack of love here… Self love.. Not the kind that I look at myself and say, “wow your something else there lady”.. The kind of love that I am missing so deeply.. Love that fills my soul.. Love and care and peaceful thoughts… The part when I mentally beat myself up constantly about things out of my control, that part has to stop.. That leads to the drink.  And right now I hate the drink… 

After years and years of drinking bingeing on what ever when ever, here I decide to “moderate” with just a couple beers, no wine what so ever and maybe a vodka here and there… Well that shit does not work..  Alcohol Free works.. Sober.. There is now way in the world that I will be able to continue taking care of the girls my household, my job and unwell husband while “moderating”…  It is likely that I will self destruct.. I will loose everything.. I have already lost myself here..

So with that I am on day one and feel wonky and wobbly and shitty and ugly… I want to ball up in a corner and hide from the house full of my beautiful daughters and husband… I want like a beer or two to ward off the hangover… I won’t drink… I’m done drinking.. 

I cannot drink and love me.. I cannot drink and expect anything to change..  my happiness and wholeness are on the line here.. I drink, I die just a little bit more.. I don’t drink, I live a little more each moment..

I chose life..

I choose to not drink today, just till I go to bed… 

I choose self love and compassion..

Xo

Lex

so so sobriety….

Summer has flown by.. I know it is not over but I feel as if im in a time warp.. A bit of a Groundhogs day if you will.. Up early, coffee, coffee, coffee, littles arise, husband sleeps, husband drinks, eat, house hold chores, kids, feed them again.. It is redundant.. This is fine.. I am really focusing on the girls, my health and sleep.. And than BaM! I drink.. and Fuck it is truly brain shattering.. Than, rest, self care, kids, coffee, husband sleeps, husband drinks, kids, coffee, feed them every 3 fucking hours, sleep, read, insomnia… There are many more sober redundant days.. Believe me everything works better that way..  Super obvious that I have isolated, fallen into a dark alone place.. I have done this I blame all of it on me.. I have to be gentle with myself though.. The bull shit guilt and same that booze has on me.. The quasi brain washiness of AA fucks with my psyche..

I have had to step up my parenting and keep my shit together more now than I ever have.. I have a very ill hub, 3 amazing children who drive me nuts and complete me all at the same time.. There is this creepy darkness that pulls me every once in a while that I am learning about, getting to know.. Some may call this my “Disease” “Wolfie” “Trixie”, I call it the part of me that I love and hate at the same time, my Best friend and Worst Enemy…. She is going away slowly but surely.. I am growing and gathering tools and precious information about giving myself the life and love that will be freeing and real..  3 years ago I couldn’t imagine how many lessons I would learn, and amazing cyber sober friends as well as in real life..  I was ashamed, and so broken.. I was so scared.. Now the fear is dissolving.. I am replacing it with hope..

Things that I am learning…  1)I am not a super human.. I am just a human.. I am a slightly broken human, but I have the power to change that.. I will never forget where I come from and all I have endured, but I will arise.. 2)I have to ask for help or I crumble under the pressure and overwhelm..  3)People care about me, I have to learn from them and care about myself and give me extra love…   4)I deserve happiness and sobriety…. 5)This shit is hard…