New adventures of the real me…

I’m here.. I never really left.. I took a sabbatical of sorts.. it started in 2014.. late winter.. things had been going quite rough in my marriage and my drinking was at an all time high..  I had my self convinced that waiting till five pm to crack my first of 3 or so bottles of wine was justified.. Husband was working rediculous hours and drinking like a fish at night whilst working into the night.. we became two ships passing in the night., I would put my mask of Mommy is Fine on and twirl around making sure the littles were clothed and fed and sent to school and loved to the best of my ability… I worked my ass of at work I worked my ass of at home and when I tucked those angles in bed at night I worked my ass off to completely numb the misery and disparity that was actually my “I’m doing fine”.. At that point I recall talking to hub about these feelings and he would remind me over and over that “this is what life is you choose it if your fucking miserable buck up and deal”..  Well the best way I knew how was continuing the twirl and the vicious cycle of drinking, feeling like dying and starting over again the next day or so..

Than mother fucking BAM! Out of nowhere hub fell gravely ill.. his kidneys shut down they were at a stand still as to what really happened.. he was on dialysis and chemo and fist fills of pills to try to regulate this mystery autoimmune disease no one really had answers for.. With that and him in and out of the hospital every 4 to 6 weeks my life as I knew it came crashing down… I pushed back all the shit and resentment and bucked up and became that wife and mother and did it all for the sake of this young family now in the middle of a crisis..  I really thought I could handle it all.. he was either in bed, at hospital or work and I was left to my own devices…  

  1. At this point I took a narcotic pill from the stash of his stash and within an instant I was changed.. it actually amped up my addiction in the most terrifying way where I physically needed it and in my sick head I convinced my self this is the key to me quitting drinking and gain energy to push through this so called crisis…  one here and there seemed to help until it was not enough so I added wine at night and a fist full during the day, and when that was not working much better I found a lovely suburban lady who sells home grown she’d been using for her “anxiety” .. Yes I added smoking a rediculous amount of weed during the day all day I could not show up anywhere with out a pill and a few puffs..  I was scared of social situations Andy friends I had I kept far away from and became a ghost of this person I so longed to be… I lost 100 pounds and kept that as a good thing., people were paying attention to me when my husband could not..  my dark and twisted thoughts were the pills will help me stop drinking and weed will get me thru a detox off the opiates..  
  2. can’t you see I am my own doctor here..  It worked. I was completely numb to the fact that my life was exploding all around me.. my husband was going to die, I was a minimal mommy getting by on remembering to breathe and drink water and pino grisio…. 
  3. fast forward to Early September 2016.. I was at my lowest weight, my lowest mind and body.. I was not a fun loving honest faithful person anymore and I could not stop.. I thought the on,y way out was to run far away or death…
  4. It had been years since I contemplated suicide, but at this point I was thinking about it daily. I was giving myself to October 1st.. We had two fancy family weddings to attend and the girls were apart of and I had hair to do… on the outside I looked healthier than I have in years.. dressed up a handful of times on these occasions and proceeded to,get high first than hammered at the parties… 
  5. September 30th was my nieces wedding .. all three girls were flower girls and dressed like amazing fairy princesses.. I did he brides magnificent mermaid hair and wore a dress I never imagine I’d ever fit into.. husband was feeling well and looking well.. on the outside you’d not believe how close to exploding I was… I got thru the ceremony a bit hi and pilled up and my first drink at the reception I went straight into a black out..Trainwreck get on Board this crazy train, you may end up inappropriately hitting on your brother in law or missing your daughter sing a solo, dumping your purse over and over for your angel of a sister to clean up… I refused my food like a 3 year old and threw food on the floor.. now mind you this was one of those weddings of the year.. everyone dressed in the 9s dancing enjoying this lovely couples love and new life and there I was in a sexy black dress black out white girl wasted… 
  6. I hit my bottom.. 

This was nearly 5 months ago.. A sad shell of a woman walking and talking and trying hard to convince herself and the world that she was ok.. Pills and weed all day just to try to calm the dread that 3bottles of wine a night set in.. The wine to calm the chaos and insanity and the pills and weed to relieve the dread and pain.. The cycle went on until she found herself checked into a hospital for a detox she never could imagine.. A horrific experience you think you never want to retry ever.. 

By the grace of god and or the “Everything=Everything” energy of the world she got to sculpt and change her life in an Inpatient Recovery Center.. Weeks of therapy and missing her small daughters fighting for her life and uncovering this Real Me.. Come to find out it’s not the “Old Me” she had to chase anymore, but the real one… 
I sit here finishing this post 150 days later sans booze or an opiate.. I’ve made headway and got into a program where others just like me can love me until I can love myself enough… Sure there have been roadblocks and hitches in my giddy-up… Still battling the Douche Canoe of a Wolf in my body.. I’ve changed and lost friends. My family though supportive unsure of getting close.. My husband and my marriage is a whole different story. 

But my kids have blossomed and found out that fighting for what you want and being true to oneself is what Mommy shows and does and that’s ok.. My legacy will no longer be “She Partied Till she No Longer Had Fun and Died a sad Drunk lonely Woman”… No my hopes for today is that “She Partied until It was no Longer Fun, and she Blossemd from the Mud and Muck Quite like a Lotus and just Became”….

Xo 

Lex
Where do I go from here?   

Winds of Change…

Alas I’m here.  Continue to reach as hard as I can for support outlets.  *as I remove the bug from my coffee and take the first sip regardless*  Today I’m sober. Today I’ve been for a few days but not counting right now has just seemed to work in my favor.

There’s an upheaval in chaos here and building up to it was really fucking hard.. My heart was bashed and broken and I was holding my family together as tight as I could all while watching the man I fell in love with 15 years ago giving up on himself.   His illness got the best if him and he was doing what all of us do to “forget” and adding too much booze to the mix of illness and pills and weak organs.

Well he’s home. There’s more but enough for now..

 

Now im up.watching the sunrise and removing bugs from coffee.. Getting ready to accomplish some shit and love myself today..

 

No clue where I’m going but I do know today I’m sober, I love myself a little bit more,  I have a huge support network and friends and family who love me.. And 3 of the most amazing little girls who are my reason, my tribe, my soul..

 

 

And that’s pretty ok for today. .

 

Xo

Lex

sleeping sober

I don’t even miss it, seriously.. I have lived that life for so fucking long.. I hate it, and I do not say that lightly.. I hate that I no matter how badly I want a simply sober life, I get sucked back.. I hate what booze does to me and my family and 76% of the great state I live in.. I hate that it has always been so acceptable in my home growing up, the city I live in and that met my husband at a bar where I was fucked up.. I hate that I can stop over and over again because I feel so right when I’m sober.. And pick up as soon as I forget.. I feel like reality isn’t that bad, and yet here I am on fucking day 2 again.. I hate the person it makes me, all sick and exhausted and riddled with anxiety and bull shit self hate..

I love that not drinking is an actual option. I love that I know that the shit deal I am sometimes handed will be ok as long as I hit the pillow sober.. 

If only I could love me like they all love me..

I am finding that the struggle with drinking continues..  I am completely full of shit and with out reason or purpose this weekend did a bit of a binge..  My husband bought his best pal Vodka back and Ive been twitching and achy for days with it in the cabinet.. I was on my way with AA.. Using my sponsor, hitting appropriate amounts of meetings, checking in with real live sober friends..  Reading, praying, meditation.. And here I sit on day  once again.. Back to the square of the fucking root of the center of my problem.. I want to love myself enough to say enough is fucking enough.. I have love in my life.. Very blessed with children, family, and friends who all love me..  I love them unequivocally.. Id give my heart and soul for my husband to end his suffering.. Id shave my head for my children to be happy forever..

I want to have “IT” the glimmer in my eye, the dust removed from my brain.. The simple fact is, Do Not Drink. Call before you pick up.. Keep the plug in the jug. Be fucking accountable, and get it together..

I have had glimpses into my future, whereas before I did not even believe I could find a new path.. I have been looking for a balance, peace, inner strength for so long to surface.. The key is in my hands.. 

Xo

Lex