I am allowed to say I am an alcoholic and addict in recovery. You cannot tell me nor can you tell me I’m not. I’m struggling with boozy family members who cannot look me in the eye or talk about my sobriety path. Their words are judgmental and hurtful and boggles my mind. I have been an addict/alcoholic for 20 plus years. My sisters covered up for my drunken black outs as a kid. My parents have seen the worst and cleaned up after my horrendous behavior as a child thru my 20s and onto my 30s.
I’m in recovery.
It’s my story.
I’ll be light and polite.
Some ruminating thoughts… I’m working tirelessly on my sobriety from my vices… Changed just about everything in my life.. Stuck it out and worked hard for a 3 plus children, chronically codependent, alcoholic, addicted chronically ill relationship…. Here’s the thing… I have been lied to on many occasions.. And a couple handfuls of Shit Bombs that entail really dark lies.. I have sacrificed and cared for, picked up after, and begged for his attention… Today I woke after a dream and was triggered, and thoughts of my relationship came flooding back.. Honestly, I’ve put anything as far as attention on my marriage since I started my sobriety path on October 7th.. And post Oct.7, things were really bad. He, so sick he could barely work, get out of bed, walk to the kitchen.. On top of this and his nightly imbibing to toxic, drunken levels. I was in the darkest part of my addiction..
He also gave up drinking… Now, I feel like I’ve changed so much… He as well… I started liking me.. Speaking my truth.. I am a ball of confusion.. I will do what’s right here in front of me.. Stand taller knowing I’m going to be okay if I do toTrudge..
happiness is in the eye of the beholder.. or something like that..
Music, smoking, coffee, men…
It’s been about 6 months since my last drink. Maybe a month since my last puff or pill.. My mind feels clear, my skin as well.. My sweating problem actually was a booze problem and early sober cofffee never gets old.. My daughters are all beautiful and behaving with respect and contentment.. I’m present I’m mindful and everything is just so… Simple..
I still have this whisper way back in my mind.. And today it’s quiet.. But still here.. It tells me I’m a fake and I should run.. It tells me how unhappy I am in my relationship and to run.. It says that I’m a messy awkward disaster and a toke or a sip may be able to take the edge off.. It tells me that feelings are to loud and bright and awful and numb is so very much easier.. It reminds me of the pain and the bullshit I have put up with for many years and I should fight and be a bitch and control with my mind, or will..
Ha. I acknowledge this voice.. I accept hat it may come and go.. But not for a second will I submit to it..
I will work on me, do me.. I will use self care and love and acceptance of what is before me.. I will not forget what has gotten me here.. I have every intention of working and trusting this process.. I have a story that is mine and mine alone.. I have an unwritten ending now.. I do not need to obsess or wallow.. I am allowed to be and let the light guide me…
Me, my journey, my soul, my life and light..
I’m here.. I never really left.. I took a sabbatical of sorts.. it started in 2014.. late winter.. things had been going quite rough in my marriage and my drinking was at an all time high.. I had my self convinced that waiting till five pm to crack my first of 3 or so bottles of wine was justified.. Husband was working rediculous hours and drinking like a fish at night whilst working into the night.. we became two ships passing in the night., I would put my mask of Mommy is Fine on and twirl around making sure the littles were clothed and fed and sent to school and loved to the best of my ability… I worked my ass of at work I worked my ass of at home and when I tucked those angles in bed at night I worked my ass off to completely numb the misery and disparity that was actually my “I’m doing fine”.. At that point I recall talking to hub about these feelings and he would remind me over and over that “this is what life is you choose it if your fucking miserable buck up and deal”.. Well the best way I knew how was continuing the twirl and the vicious cycle of drinking, feeling like dying and starting over again the next day or so..
Than mother fucking BAM! Out of nowhere hub fell gravely ill.. his kidneys shut down they were at a stand still as to what really happened.. he was on dialysis and chemo and fist fills of pills to try to regulate this mystery autoimmune disease no one really had answers for.. With that and him in and out of the hospital every 4 to 6 weeks my life as I knew it came crashing down… I pushed back all the shit and resentment and bucked up and became that wife and mother and did it all for the sake of this young family now in the middle of a crisis.. I really thought I could handle it all.. he was either in bed, at hospital or work and I was left to my own devices…
- At this point I took a narcotic pill from the stash of his stash and within an instant I was changed.. it actually amped up my addiction in the most terrifying way where I physically needed it and in my sick head I convinced my self this is the key to me quitting drinking and gain energy to push through this so called crisis… one here and there seemed to help until it was not enough so I added wine at night and a fist full during the day, and when that was not working much better I found a lovely suburban lady who sells home grown she’d been using for her “anxiety” .. Yes I added smoking a rediculous amount of weed during the day all day I could not show up anywhere with out a pill and a few puffs.. I was scared of social situations Andy friends I had I kept far away from and became a ghost of this person I so longed to be… I lost 100 pounds and kept that as a good thing., people were paying attention to me when my husband could not.. my dark and twisted thoughts were the pills will help me stop drinking and weed will get me thru a detox off the opiates..
- can’t you see I am my own doctor here.. It worked. I was completely numb to the fact that my life was exploding all around me.. my husband was going to die, I was a minimal mommy getting by on remembering to breathe and drink water and pino grisio….
- fast forward to Early September 2016.. I was at my lowest weight, my lowest mind and body.. I was not a fun loving honest faithful person anymore and I could not stop.. I thought the on,y way out was to run far away or death…
- It had been years since I contemplated suicide, but at this point I was thinking about it daily. I was giving myself to October 1st.. We had two fancy family weddings to attend and the girls were apart of and I had hair to do… on the outside I looked healthier than I have in years.. dressed up a handful of times on these occasions and proceeded to,get high first than hammered at the parties…
- September 30th was my nieces wedding .. all three girls were flower girls and dressed like amazing fairy princesses.. I did he brides magnificent mermaid hair and wore a dress I never imagine I’d ever fit into.. husband was feeling well and looking well.. on the outside you’d not believe how close to exploding I was… I got thru the ceremony a bit hi and pilled up and my first drink at the reception I went straight into a black out..Trainwreck get on Board this crazy train, you may end up inappropriately hitting on your brother in law or missing your daughter sing a solo, dumping your purse over and over for your angel of a sister to clean up… I refused my food like a 3 year old and threw food on the floor.. now mind you this was one of those weddings of the year.. everyone dressed in the 9s dancing enjoying this lovely couples love and new life and there I was in a sexy black dress black out white girl wasted…
- I hit my bottom..
This was nearly 5 months ago.. A sad shell of a woman walking and talking and trying hard to convince herself and the world that she was ok.. Pills and weed all day just to try to calm the dread that 3bottles of wine a night set in.. The wine to calm the chaos and insanity and the pills and weed to relieve the dread and pain.. The cycle went on until she found herself checked into a hospital for a detox she never could imagine.. A horrific experience you think you never want to retry ever..
By the grace of god and or the “Everything=Everything” energy of the world she got to sculpt and change her life in an Inpatient Recovery Center.. Weeks of therapy and missing her small daughters fighting for her life and uncovering this Real Me.. Come to find out it’s not the “Old Me” she had to chase anymore, but the real one…
I sit here finishing this post 150 days later sans booze or an opiate.. I’ve made headway and got into a program where others just like me can love me until I can love myself enough… Sure there have been roadblocks and hitches in my giddy-up… Still battling the Douche Canoe of a Wolf in my body.. I’ve changed and lost friends. My family though supportive unsure of getting close.. My husband and my marriage is a whole different story.
But my kids have blossomed and found out that fighting for what you want and being true to oneself is what Mommy shows and does and that’s ok.. My legacy will no longer be “She Partied Till she No Longer Had Fun and Died a sad Drunk lonely Woman”… No my hopes for today is that “She Partied until It was no Longer Fun, and she Blossemd from the Mud and Muck Quite like a Lotus and just Became”….
Where do I go from here?