It’s been raining for days. Once the warm sun returns so will the blooms…
I feel so fucking ready for the sun.. I’m cold… This song warms my soul
181 days no booze
35 no MJ
Today is all that matters.. This moment is real, and priceless… As I lay my head on my pillow I feel content.. Nothing more or less.. I choose to let HP guide me thru…
My head may explode from all the honesty and reality.. But I won’t drink or use.. I’m tired and when I’m not I’m to busy to get stuff done.. Again I won’t drink or use over it.. I have had to simplify everything in my life including excusing myself from travels, parties and my last job.. Not even thinking about drinking over this… My marriage is a bit of an upheaval, no mind numbing drinks or drugs needed here… There are days when I can’t tell you if I’m coming or going, if it’s day or night… Still, staying sober… I’m often lonely or bored or sad or pissed or just straight up overwhelmed… Sober yet…
I wondered when I’d feel like this.. I guess it’s today.. I am about ready to wrap up a 6 or so week treatment thingy and will be back to reality before I know it and I’m ready to face the music..
So here in the midwestern state I live the weather is so unpredictable and the winter has been long and grey.. Today is the first time I can remember warm sunshine and green things popping up everywhere. I woke up too early, made coffee, made the kids clean there rooms, made breakfast and made myself go to a meeting… The good definitely outweighs the bad here, but I’m fuckimg antsy.. I was just walking around the yard and the sight of an old bottle top had me drooling for Carona. I decided on more coffee instead and a cig and a bit of writing.. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of breaking my sober spell I had to stop in my tracks.. It is a for sure reminder that I am freshly sober and need to still make sure I’m doing what is righ in front of me.. No more no less..
I am so grateful for this new way of thinking that tears came to my eyes..
I’m so grateful I went to the meeting and plugged into the power of other sober sisters..
I’m so grateful for the Midwest sunshine and my lilac buds..
I’m so grateful I can be antsy and be gentle with myself all at once..
I’m so grateful I don’t need to drink today…
It’s early here in the chilly Midwest.. I get up and try to stay quite in a house where everyone else sleeps.. I make my coffee and my 6 year old joins me in my king sized bed for cartoons and snuggles.. It’s a perfectly lovely way to start a lazy Sunday.. No real plans except at some point wrap up any homework, bathe the children and make a meal or two to help out in the busy week ahead..
Simple. Sober. No hangover. No blurry vision from an unknown amount of opiates and immediate handful ingested upon waking.. No reason to sit outside in this chilly weather to smoke my hangover away with copious amounts of weed, coffee and cigs.. No frantic urge to twirl and clean and resent everyone in this house for not picking up their shit from the night before.
No. Content with just BEING.. It is perfect as is. The overwhelm I used to feel slowly is melting away.. I refuse to get a head about this.. I will try to keep my wits and stay humble because I just have this moment, this 24 hours..
It’s a bit of a ramble but I’m finding if I keep my shoulders square and my head up and my ego at bay I can make it this day till my head hits the pillow tonight..
here’s to a sober Sunday. Snuggles and good food.. keeping it simple and being gentle with me…
Over years and years of conditioning, I somehow taught myself to walk around without breathing.
Ive held my breath so long because;
I am astonished at others behavior.
I am overwhelmed with confusion or biting my tongue.
I cannot believe what I’ve just done. Or you or HIM….
I am trapped inside my mind, my marriage, my addiction…
I cannot imagine I’m worthy of Oxygen.
I may smell like wine, or weed or vodka.
I can barely move.
I am unsure of who I am, how I got here or where to go next..
I hate them.
I hate me.
I honestly don’t want to be with people..
I cannot believe this…
So many more
Now it’s different.. that was before.. before I actually took a hard look at myself and my addiction and realized it’s me. All me. Old conditioned pathways and neurotransmitters and behavior.
I couldn’t breathe because I was not alive and living life.. I couldn’t stand who I was .. I didn’t see that I had to just love me and the rest will or won’t work out.. I’m learning slowly but surely to take long soulful breaths… Love me a little more each day.. Let that shit go and let HP take care of the rest.. zero fucks
P.s. I got a tat to remind myself often…
Funny how a tad of real true soul sobriety has me seeing… Not too long ago I was a drunk/high pushover. Today I see how horrendous I was to myself and deserve better. The things I tolerated and out up with I no longer have to.
Duh. I have the choice.
I do not need to be around people I actually don’t like. I do not care for being treated like shit. I refuse to treat others with disrespect so why would I!
I do not have to say “Yes” because you expect me too. The amount of times I said yes to even my hub, when I actually meant NO I cannot even count. Wether it’s going somewhere or doing something I actually don’t wanna I won’t..
I deserve to be loved. Period
I am a whole human with feelings, and thoughts and actual ideas. Yes I am not just a Caregiver. My career may tell some otherwise but I’m not here to serve people 24/7.
I am an introvert. I like quiet and to be alone. I do not need to surround myself with a crowd. I want to enjoy the simple things and nature and my babies.
I get to cry, laugh smile and be mad. I’m not always FINE. I’m all messy and ugly and beautiful and it’s ok.
Getting buzzed makes all this disappear and I will not tolerate that.
Not sure where this post is going except I’m so ready to embrace me.
So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises… Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less… She didn’t know any better …
You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant. Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..
I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn. You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..
Lovely I love you