Slogans and sitting in shit. 

   The slogans and sayings around the tables of AA sometimes just straight up piss me off or make no sense to me.  Restless irritable and discontent. I’ve heard it over and over in meetings. I never once connected. .  

   Today it’s on repeat over and over in my head..  Must. Pull. Out. Tools.. getting out of my head seems impossible today.. I know sobriety is not all pink clouds and orgasims.. I understand completely that life sucks at times.. Nothing is perfect..  I certainly am not perfect. So I’ll sit.. breathe and meditate a bit.. 

I’m just unhappy. No matter I won’t drink..  I’m allowed to be sad… 

xo

Lex

The good news is I accept that bitch of a voice.

It’s been about 6 months since my last drink. Maybe a month since my last puff or pill.. My mind feels clear, my skin as well.. My sweating problem actually was a booze problem and early sober cofffee never gets old.. My daughters are all beautiful and behaving with respect and contentment.. I’m present I’m mindful and everything is just so… Simple..  

I still have this whisper way back in my mind.. And today it’s quiet.. But still here.. It tells me I’m a fake and I should run.. It tells me how unhappy I am in my relationship and to run..  It says that I’m a messy awkward disaster and a toke or a sip may be able to take the edge off.. It tells me that feelings are to loud and bright and awful and numb is so very much easier.. It reminds me of the pain and the bullshit I have put up with for many years and I should fight and be a bitch and control with my mind, or will.. 

Ha. I acknowledge this voice.. I accept hat it may come and go.. But not for a second will I submit to it.. 

I will work on me, do me.. I will use self care and love and acceptance of what is before me.. I will not forget what has gotten me here.. I have every intention of working and trusting this process.. I have a story that is mine and mine alone..  I have an unwritten ending now.. I do not need to obsess or wallow.. I am allowed to be and let the light guide me…

Xo

Lex

I choose to bloom. 181

In Bloom

https://youtu.be/NpDYfkymaSE

It’s been raining for days.  Once the warm sun returns so will the blooms…

I feel so fucking ready for the sun.. I’m cold… This song warms my soul
181 days no booze

35 no MJ

Today is all that matters.. This moment is real, and priceless… As I lay my head on my pillow I feel content.. Nothing more or less.. I choose to let HP guide me thru…

Xo

Lex

I’m ok, really.. 

My head may explode from all the honesty and reality.. But I won’t drink or use.. I’m tired and when I’m not I’m to busy to get stuff done.. Again I won’t drink or use over it..  I have had to simplify everything in my life including excusing myself from travels, parties and my last job.. Not even thinking about drinking over this… My marriage is a bit of an upheaval, no mind numbing drinks or drugs needed here…   There are days when I can’t tell you if I’m coming or going, if it’s day or night… Still, staying sober… I’m often lonely or bored or sad or pissed or just straight up overwhelmed… Sober yet… 

I wondered when I’d feel like this.. I guess it’s today.. I am about ready to wrap up a 6 or so week treatment thingy and will be back to reality before I know it and I’m ready to face the music..

Xo

Lex

Ants 🐜 in my pants..  177 AF dayz 

So here in the midwestern state I live the weather is so unpredictable and the winter has been long and grey.. Today is the first time I can remember warm sunshine and green things popping up everywhere. I woke up too early, made coffee, made the kids clean there rooms, made breakfast and made myself go to a meeting…  The good definitely outweighs the bad here, but I’m fuckimg antsy..  I was just walking around the yard and the sight of an old bottle top had me drooling for Carona.  I decided on more coffee instead and a cig and a bit of writing.. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of breaking my sober spell I had to stop in my tracks..  It is a for sure reminder that I am freshly sober and need to still make sure I’m doing what is righ in front of me..  No more no less.. 

I am so grateful for this new way of thinking that tears came to my eyes..

I’m so grateful I went to the meeting and plugged into the power of other sober sisters..

I’m so grateful for the Midwest sunshine and my lilac buds..

I’m so grateful I can be antsy and be gentle with myself all at once..

I’m so grateful I don’t need to drink today…

Xo

Lex